Sunday, October 25, 2015

I Don't Want to Talk About Today

Which is exactly why I need to.

For the last handful of weeks I have walking a thin line between my sanity and not sanity. From having to upend my life with next to no notice, to seeing multiple judges to fix multiple wrongs in my life to running out of toilet paper for the first time in my entire life because I don't have my own method of transportation and trips to the store are sometimes impossible to fit in. 

I have been thisclose to breaking down completely and I honestly don't know how I've made it this far, but I have. Today was filled with a lot of silent tears, the kind that burn your face when thye fall, and a lot of staring at the wall feeling a whole lot of nothing. But today was also a day filled with my son's laughter and a trip to the laundromat where poor Gil got kicked in the legs by said child who didn't like that I told him that he was staying while I popped over to the dollar store. 

I hated today. Whenever I was alone with myself I was being beat up by the meanest bully I know, my subconscious. And it was not holding back. Every single negative thought that has even popped by for a short moment showed up today and did a can-can on my brain-heart. 

It also didn't help that I completely forgot to eat until about half hour ago where that little lightbulb clicked over my head. 

The good news is that my job is so physically demanding that about every 3 months I take 3-4 days off to physically recooperate and that starts this Wednesday. Perfect timing. I am going to take my time off and completely reset myself. And turn 30, I guess. If I get reminded. Once again I am totally fine if my birthday gets skipped over and mostly ignored. I'm going to the aquarium with my son, and I asked Gil to produce a cake like thing, but that's it. 

My stomach is growling. I need to eat. So I'm done typing now. 

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Finally Home....

Last month was CRAZY! Not only did I have about 32 days to find a new place to live, I had the exact same amount of days to finish compiling the mountain of paperwork requested before you can see a judge for your divorce. With the exception of a delicate stack of tax papers that I try not to move unless I have to, I was able to turn all my paperwork in and find a new place to live! (I later transported said documents to my lawyer's office and every day that they stay there my fear grows that they'll lose some them, but it's totally out of my control at this point.)

Anywho. We still have more court dates ahead of us, but we're one step closer to the finish line! And I really don't have much more to say about that, except I have never wished I wasn't self-employed so hard as when I saw all the things I had to do to prove my income. I don't wish that mountain upon anyone..

I DO want to talk about my new house though. It is perfect. I am now the proud renter of an adorable little 2 bedroom, one bath duplex. It is the perfect size for my son and I, but my favorite part is the yard. The yard is probably bigger than the entire inside of my house, and it's just dirt right now so it is a blank slate.

We love it. I want to put grass down, and while sod is quicker, seed is more in my price point. There's also the perfect little space so I can plant a little garden and I have a little wish list going on where I have beautiful bushes, vegetables and herbs planned out for the side space. Monk wants a backyard playset, and an above ground pool, which both are totally do-able space wise, I just need to budget and plan a bit before those exist. But this past weekend he was able to go outside and play in the backyard, and it touched my heart to see.

This little duplex truly feels like home to me. Yeah, there's a list of projects I need/want to do to make it THE BEST PLACE EVER, but even in it's current state, it's home.

I can't even tell you the last time I felt like this... Not the Ardmore in LA, or the house my mom bought with her husband out here. No. Too much anger and abuse happened between those walls to ever feel like home to me... Visiting the beach feels similar, but not quite. I have people in my life that trigger those home feelings in me, but I'm pretty sure this is my actual factual First Home. The comfort I feel walking inside is almost magical, and seeing my son happy in his new awesome bed and playing in the living room fills me with a special kind of joy I didn't even realize I was missing.

My neighbors have lived in their side of the duplex for 8 years and from the peeks I see walking past their open windows they have made a lovely home for themselves, and I have every intention of staying in my little home as long as possible and doing the same. :)

Saturday, September 26, 2015

A Mop Bucket's Attempt at Deep Thought..

See also: I hope that I don't make a total ass of myself with this post...

Hello there anonymous eyes! How's the wife and kids? ;)

This summer has been one of the hardest summers I have ever experienced as an adult; emotionally, financially and physically. I could even stretch it farther and say that the entirety of 2015 fits that bill, but I feel like it all started to pile on around May...

I've been stretching myself in every conceivable way, questioning myself and trying my damndest to be the very best version of myself that I can be. And it's worked, mostly. I only have two or three things stressing me out on a regular basis (never mind the fact that they each are the size of Texas, irrelevant I swear!).

The interesting thing about all these challenges and struggles that I've been dealing with this summer isn't WHAT I've been dealing with (people are all assholes, myself included), but HOW I've been dealing with it.

When I was a little girl, I went to a Jewish  predominant charter school, and one day out on the baseball field we were asked "Does G-d answer everyone's prayers?"
I remember the range of answers being in the family of if you're holy enough, or you're asking for a noble thing. I answered: Well sure, but sometimes the answer is no..

I have awkward conversations about my spirituality and religion all the time, and it's never easy to answer. I celebrate Passover religiously, never Easter, I observe Christmas, but mainly it's lip service to the people around me who it matters to (i.e.: my son), but I refuse to step foot in any house of worship unless it's a wedding or a funeral. 

I believe in some sort of higher power, but NOT the Judeo-Christian one that is most popular in today's society. In fact, I'm 95% sure that the JCG is NOT accurate, especially with the first hand abuse I have seen his most avid followers dole out.

I get wishy-washy on this subject, and I hate to talk about it, mostly because it is deeply personal to talk about one's beliefs, and it's a hot topic for most people, no matter where they sit on this issue. 

Why talk about it so freely now then? Because I have been praying so hard these last few months, almost daily. Praying for answers and solutions to things that seem next to impossible, shooting out thanks for the tiny miracles I've been granted. 

 Now maybe I'm totally wrong about everything, and it's all luck of the draw, but thinking that there's some reason all this has happened and thinking that the overwhelming good in my life is because someone thinks I deserve it is satisfying. Right or wrong, even if I'm just talking to some stars that burnt out before their lights hit our atmosphere, I'm going to keep doing it, because even with as hard as these last months have been, they've also been some of the best of my life and I don't want anyone to think I'm not 100% grateful.

Saturday, August 8, 2015


So I logged in this morning, and checked my stats, still not 100% sure of what I would be writing about today, but knowing that I need to anyways when BOOM! My little blog that averages approximately 100 or so views a month had over 800 views last month. I don't know why, or how, for all I know I got hit by a bunch of bots, but man did it do something for my ego! (Honestly, it looks like one of my first articles as an adult to get published online is making the rounds through some circles again, but I still think bots have at least a little to do with it...)

Anywho, now that I've cleaned the brain matter off of my screen, time to write!

In Arizona, when you file for divorce and have children, and if you want the courts to listen to anything you have to say about said divorce, you are required to take a 4 hour class on parenting. Let me repeat the important part. 4 hour class. I recently went to it, and much like every other government mandated class I've attended, I paid some of my hard earned money to get chastised for hours on end.

 The packet we were handed at the beginning of class fascinated me and looked like I was going to be in for an actually entertaining and informative class. What I read in class while the teacher was shaming us was REALLY good stuff. What the teacher was talking about also was important, but more along the lines of what I needed to hear 2 years ago when this first started. Our teacher was a divorcee when he was 26 and now he's old enough to have his youngest be older than that, and from what I could gather he was some sort of psychologist.

What he was talking about was very important, and I could tell by the fidgeting of my classmates that a lot of them needed to hear what he was saying. The majority of the class needed the full 4 hours of examples of how not to treat the other parent of your child. There was a small handful of us though, who have been living this reality for a while. We had already learned the ropes of splitting a household, we just are starting the legalities now, and for that, I felt like there was nothing presented for us.

What I've learned the last couple of months is that when you get the courts involved people change their behaviors since they're being watched. So now, it's a whole new ballgame. In the past if something happened and we needed to switch schedules as soon as we knew it we would get it figured out, even if it was just a couple of days in advance. Now, if my ex wants to take my son out of town he makes sure he's not taking him more than half the week because that's all he's allotted. I'm afraid to offer to take my son extra days when he asks to come home, because now there's a scale attached to things.

I'm relieved to be moving towards the finish line and closing the book on the marriage, but I really don't like a lot of the changes being made. Part of why the last 2 years have worked so well is our flexibility, but now things are so rigid, it's beyond normal structure. AND we changed the structure. So not only are we having to adjust to a different time schedule than we have been using, we also have a whole new set of rules to adjust to.

I'm hoping we all adjust to this new schedule, or if it's not a good fit we have the courage to say something about it, but for the time being this is it. School is back in session, work is starting to pick back up, and the world keeps on spinning.

Until next time!

Sunday, July 12, 2015

I'm scared.

Petrified even. 

My entire life I've always been able to make the ends meet, survive until the solution became available to me, to make it through. Even when the solution would take some time to work, at least I had one and that made all the difference.

Right now? I have no solutions. In about another month or so my business will pick up and we'll begin our busy season to carry us through the holidays and the new year. But that's then. Right now, the reality of my situation is that I don't have my rent paid where I live. I thought I would be able to pull it together by the end of the weekend, but I was wrong. I found out that my roommate lost his job earlier this month. Even if I asked my ex for some help I still would fall short. 

The only reason I have groceries is because he decided to buy me some basics a week or so ago and my friend gave me all the leftovers from out camping next trip.

I have applied for the SNAP assistance program, as well as their emergency cash assistance program, but it takes a while to get approved.

I'm still working 6 days a week, and I'm busy enough to not be able to find a second daytime job, but slow enough to not make my ends meet. I'm putting the word out that I'm willing to use my cleaning skills and clean houses in the off hours in my life, and if I could find 4 houses to clean regularly it could change my life.

I'm cataloging my collectibles and getting ready to put them up on eBay. Those were supposed to go towards my son's college, but if we don't have a place to stay today, we can't worry about tomorrow.

I want to be petty and blame this ALL on my ex, since he pulled my child support about 8 weeks ago, because I'm sure that it's playing a huge part in things. But summers are always tough, and I haven't yet figured out a way to make a budget that awards me wiggle room for when things get tight, mainly because I've always made just enough to scrape by. Yes him pulling the child support was crappy, but he's doing what he and his lawyers think are best. Did I mention I now need to find a lawyer since he hired some for our divorce so it can finally be finished? Another awesome thing I can't afford. 

I'm not pulling enough in by a long shot and I'm scared. If I lose my home I have no clue where I'll go. My mom has a full house, and one of the people there isn't talking to me, and hasn't for almost a year now. My dad is a almost non-existent entity that forgets I exist more often than not. 

I have great friends, but we're all suffering pretty bad right now, and there's no way I could add to any of their stresses, that would be shitty and selfish. 

I'm so lost right now, and I have no idea how I'm going to make it through the summer. 

Luckily my son doesn't notice any of this, although I felt like a super shithead having to explain why I couldn't afford even a $5 Lego set for him anytime in the foreseeable future. 

I am working and pushing so hard, but I feel like Sisyphus pushing the rock uphill- every time I near the top it tumbles back down to the bottom. I am tired. Emotionally and physically. The good in my life is REALLY good, and I don't want to discredit that happenings at all, it just doesn't mean that the bad isn't still happening.

Saturday, June 27, 2015

Version 2.0

This is not what I planned on writing here tonight.

I was going to be angry. I was going to throw mud like you wouldn't believe. I was going to be petty and ugly, and mean, and slightly passive aggressive, but still completely truthful.

But here's the thing, I could've posted it, and gone to sleep tonight feeling vindicated and proud and brave, but when I woke up in the morning I would've felt like an asshole.

I'm still mad, and I truly feel like I am being unnecessarily attacked for childish reasons, but I don't have to live with any of the people going out of their way to make my life more difficult. I do have to live with myself though. Things are happening that are supposed to have me show my cracks, my weaknesses, all the bad things about me are supposed to be on display.

I can't do it. I have to fight real battles that actually matter, and saying mean things because they happen to be true doesn't mean it's right. And I've tried really hard to live a life with as few regrets as possible. I have enough trouble sleeping at night due to insomnia, I don't need to lose sleep over being petty.

I'm sorry, kinda, for not being that type of person, and not being able to post the original, maybe one day when I write my biography?

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Conflicted Feels Yo....

I'm not sure what to write here.

I want to share like I normally do, I want to share my latest story with you, and be giddy and excited, but I also want to share about how hurt I feel about something else, and how I don't know what to trust anymore, but I still don't want to throw mud at someone else. So what do I do? I'm gonna vaguebook the hell out of this post. ;)

Very recently I started dating a guy who I've known for a long time. Besides the fact that I FINALLY made it past the first date with someone, I pretty much want to keep the details close to the vest. It's very new, and awesome, but new, so I am being selfish with the flow of information. I dig him though, so that's important to mention. Also, he knows I write, hell, he loaned me his computer for my latest article, and I'm still using it for this, but that doesn't mean I've gotten permission to talk about him to my anonymous eyes, so other than this paragraph, I'm not. ;)

Recently, in events that may or may not be related to the above paragraph, I have been reminded of all the awful things that led up to the end of my marriage. For the last handful of years I have lived my life walking on eggshells, trying not to poke the always angry at me bear. Bending so far I broke a little. Compromising my own needs to make sure my son is taken care of. Letting people talk down to and about me even in front of my son, because it's easier than fighting. For so long I've been treated like the villain, for the simple reason of me not wanting to stay married to the wrong person. Not a bad person, or an evil person, but the wrong person. And I've let people treat me like the villain, because I've felt like maybe I was, and that if so many people think that I'm so awful, they must be right.

I've been afraid to speak up for myself, and do what's right, out of fear of retaliation. I'm not scared anymore. Every single thing I was scared of happening to me has happened. Yeah, my life has gotten harder. Buuuut, well, I'm surviving. Honestly, being poor means I'm always poor, and being a little more poor than before really doesn't change much for me.

I'm not a child to be chastised. I'm a grown woman who puts my son first in 99.85% of my decisions. That is almost always. My problems are these: I am a grown woman, who owns my own business, who the hell thinks they have the right to chastise me over anything? I am not a rebellious teenager trying to upset my parents. I am grown up. I am responsible for another human's life. I am constantly doing the best I can to give my son the best I can. I don't need punishment. You know, I'm pretty sure no one can punish me. Especially over things that have nothing to do with my parenting.

I feel like this is possibly poorly written, but I also don't know that going back and editing this will make any difference so.....

Saturday, May 16, 2015

For All of a Day, I Thought I Could be a Seamstress...

Phoenix ComiCon is the end of this month, and to me, this 4 day event is akin to Christmas or Birthdays to most. I wait ALL YEAR for this and it is ALMOST HERE!!!!

So I am making my costume this year, totally from scratch, and when I got through finding my fabric, picking out my pattern, and successfully doing everything except for running it through the machine, I started getting a little cocky.

I had never sewn before a couple of weeks ago, not a tear or a hem, or even a pillow, until my son started Taekwondo and I needed to sew a patch onto his uniform, but I did it decently enough to think that I could maybe handle making a skirt (and then maybe a top).

Last year I tried to make a Steve Urkel inspired prom dress for Geek Prom, and it's not that it didn't turn out ok because it looked fine, but this definitely doesn't remind me of Urkel...

Those glasses were worth every dime.
So I get these really cool ideas in my head, and whenever I try to bring them to life, my hands and brain refuse to cooperate and I end up with not what I envisioned, and it always looks half done and sloppy. (I was able to reuse this skirt my friend made for me again last Halloween as a cowgirl and it turned out a lot better in that use than this original use)

Anywho, I was excited to see that I could make and then follow a pattern and I sat down in front of the borrowed sewing machine, totally excited that maybe, for once, I could take the picture from my brain and make it a reality. As I was measuring and cutting I had these thoughts about how maybe sewing was a secret talent I have that I just never knew about before now, and how maybe this could be my new hobby... And then the machine jammed. And my phone died.

After about 3 hours, 2 friends, and their father seriously injuring his back playing with the gaggle of children that seem to flow in and out of my life, I realized that sewing probably ISN'T my jam, and that while I will finish this damn costume, and probably make another one again for next year (and maybe December's Fan Fest if I get feisty), I will never be making my own tees or pants for everyday use. The chintzy inside of me is really sad, as well as my poor creative brain. Such is life...

Oh! I didn't even tell you what I'm making! I'm making a Ninja Turtle Prom Dress. I even dyed my hair green to match! :D

Come back next time and I might even share a picture of the finished product!!

Thursday, April 30, 2015

A Race to Leave My Brain...

I have about three things weighing heavy on my mind, and I'm not sure which one is going to win, so since 9:30 in the morning is not an acceptable nap time no matter what time I went to bed/my son woke me up, I'm going to attempt a morning post while the sun is up for once.

Last Sunday one of my BFFs shared her children's museum membership with me, my son and his dad  (and her gaggle of foster kids). When you first walk in, there is this huge structure about 3 stories high for kids (and adults) to climb inside of. Normally I go with a small enough group that I can stay on purse duty while everyone else goes up, but there was too many kids this time so up I went.

I ended up with a two year old and a three year old in my care, climbing up this massive structure made of milk cartons and bamboo. About the time we reached a milk carton platform near the top, I heard a little girl start hiccup crying because she was scared and her dad was in a different chamber, I glanced at my feet, and my stomach dropped. My arms started shaking and I had to grab the side rails to force myself to keep standing. The little girl was still crying, and about the same size as the two with me so I let her go behind my girls and in front of me for the rest of the climb up, whispering loudly that it was all ok, and there was nothing to be afraid of. As soon as I was out of the tube I had myself directed to the way down by another adult and the four of us made our way down.

The entire time my heart was pounding, I felt flushed and nauseated, and I'm pretty sure I was sporting my crazy eyes. But I did it. I kept them from feeling fear and made it safely to the bottom. Yes, I know that it is a safe structure built to last. I KNOW that. But when I get too high I can't reach that rational part of my brain, I just become petrified.. I can think of at least 3 other times in my life when I've become stuck places because I was too scared to move. I hate shopping centers with more than one story because I swear they all use glass for their barriers and I can't stand close enough to see down without my stomach dropping.

I'm scared of heights. I love roller coasters, but am scared of heights. I'd like to think that I've won some huge battle by being able to have made it through while being in charge of others' well being, but I don't know that it counts for much...

How many irrational fears does one have to have before just being an irrational person? o.O

Saturday, April 11, 2015

The REAL Truth About Life, The Universe, and Everything (Besides 42 Obvs)

So I disappeared for about a month. 5 weeks to be exact (according to the website that I'm supposed to be submitting weekly content to at least.) I have my reasons, none of them really matter, but they exist. The important thing is that I'm back, and before the night ends I will have submitted my content to all the places that I am supposed to. I am officially back on schedule. TADA! (I'm pretty sure only like 3 people outside of myself actually care, but whatev)

Anywho... What I've learned in my short time away from some of my responsibilities is that being a full fledged, functioning member of society means that life can, and most likely will be equal parts totally amazing and fufilling AND mind numbingly horrifying. And on the occasion, life will be both.

Like right now. I might never see my car again, I'm having  to learn how to navigate my life with a child and NO vehicle. I am bumming rides and cashing in favors I haven't even earned yet. Because I didn't wear my seatbelt for approximately 500 feet, technically right now I am a wanted criminal. Seriously. I am a green-haired girl with a sparkly pink phone, and I'm considered a dangerous criminal right now. Seriously. This part really, really, really, REALLY sucks, and I have had a considerable number of freak outs and panic attacks in regards to how exactly I will be solving this mess. (So far, there are more questions than answers, fyi)

Flip the coin. My business is doing better than it ever has before. I recently got approved for a miniature loan just the right amount to finish furnishing the new space and pay rent for myself and my office manager's homes. I hosted a Seder for 12 people that had to be GF and vegetarian friendly, and it went off without a hitch. I even had people at the table who busted out into a Hebrew song in a round since I can never get the musical part of Seder down. The biggest drama at the table was that I am horrible at pouring bubbly purple liquids. I have people in my life that just a brush of their arm or a squeeze of my hand can make even the worst days better. My son is one of the smartest kids I have ever had the honor of meeting, and being his mom brings me more joy than I ever imagined.

That's life, good and bad, at the same time. The details for all of us are different, and no one should try to compare their mess to another, that's NOT the point. The point is for us to search for the solutions we need in life and try our damndest to be as cheerful about it as you can manage. Well. Cheerful might be a bit too much sometimes, but the point is to try...

Or give up completely, but that seems like a waste of a life... ;)

Friday, March 13, 2015

Is This The Real Life, or is it Fantasy?

Sorry, but no, this is NOT a link to the three girls in the car grabbing their boobs and flashing a crotch to Bohemian Rhapsody, but I'm pretty sure this was my first ever cultural reference to something that didn't happen in the 90's, so go me! ;)

Anywho, recently I've had some pretty serious shit go down, if not to me, around me, and more often than not; Anxious Megan (and her horrible weak stomach) has kinda been running the show while Logical Megan has been out of commission with a broken leg or something. It's been great making all this emotional progress as a human and all, except for the constant stream of emotions involved. I honestly don't know how normal people deal with all these emotions all the time, and I really wish sometimes the healthy thing to do would be to just lock that shit up and bury it, but didn't I just say a sentence or two ago that I'm glad to have made these personal growth things a reality? Being in touch with your emotions is exhausting!

Well, so, crazy all around, and in my head, and I've actually started to debate rethinking my current stance on medication. I love a clear head, and it is a BITCH getting those damn things configured so that I'm not a walking fuzz ball, but if I can't get more in control of these anxiety attacks I might have to go through that hell to knock them back down to a reasonable amount. I went from not having ANY in easily 2 plus years to having more than I can count in the last 5 months. I'm giving myself more time before deciding because I feel like things are finally settling down, and I really don't want to live in a fog, but since I don't like absolutes, we shall see.

Remember as a kid when you wanted something REALLY bad, and your parents told you that if you wanted it you had to earn it by your behavior? Or even better example: Abraham. According to the bible (yes I know it, even though I am not a religious person), Abraham and God had conversations and during one of them he told Abraham to slaughter his son as a sacrifice to prove he loved God. Last effing moment an angel stops him, and he was rewarded (with something, I hope).

That's kinda how life has been feeling lately, horrible, dramatic events happen, where I have to make really hard decisions; fight back or roll over in defeat; stand up for yourself or shrink away silently in fear; give up something super important to you, or lose even more. Just like in the parable, when I steel myself to give up the important things to survive the situations, I end up having something happen that wasn't even a reality for me when trying to plot a course. It's like I'm constantly being tested on how willing I am to try to do the "right" thing and when I do, these horrible things almost instantly become these things with easy solutions and the stress I felt earlier feels dramatic and annoying so I end up feeling foolish, even though I know I had crappy starting options.

I also feel like I need to mention that I have two incredible friends who for some reason keep helping me deal with life in general. Like I have a good handful of friends that are above and beyond in caliber of people, and they all make me smile on the regular. But these two people.... I just don't understand their motives. They are seriously two of the best people I have ever met in my entire life, and this week especially, I'm not sure what I'd do if they weren't a part of my life. I have absolutely no clue what I can do to express to them how amazing they both are to me, but I welcome the challenge, and will one day figure out the right combination of words and actions to properly articulate how much of my heart they occupy.

Sorry if this is too vague or what have you, I debated whether or not I would go into actual details over any of the recent events that have unfolded, but ultimately decided that I don't want to have to put anymore effort and energy into these things than absolutely required of me. Also, even though it seems to follow me around like a homeless puppy, I really don't enjoy the drama constantly circling me so I'm trying not to feed it. I work in the service industry, the drama from dealing with people all the time is truly enough for me. ;)

Monday, February 23, 2015

Sometimes, The Demons Win....

So my last post was the night after a really intense night for me and then I went silent. Surprise surprise!! I swear I try really hard not to run away every time things get scary, but some habits are hard to break. In my defense, I half wrote posts for here in my head about 4 times, but never was able to commit it to paper (or keyboard), and only part of the reason is because my laptop at home takes an average of 10 minutes to acknowledge anything I type or click on.

Thing is, I've been fighting a spiral, and it has been winning more often than I'd like. There's been quite a few days where there's this heavy weight sitting on my shoulders and chest and brain and just making it through to the end of the day where I can be alone is as much of a battle as I could stand.

I'm lucky in the sense that I have a pretty solid group of friends that I can be honest with when I'm not doing the greatest fighting my internal battles and just sitting next to them being distracted from the extremes going on inside of me has been the greatest gift of all.

I've never really had the freedom before to talk about the demons inside of me, I've always tried to keep them hidden, and to only show my face when they're sleeping or when my mask is glued on tight, and they've always felt so...... ugly. And, I mean, they are, but for some reason, they aren't as strong as they used to be. Maybe I'm doing a bad job of feeding them or something, but it's becoming easier to fight them, and my spirals are getting easier to get out of. Sure, just last Thursday I felt like I was a walking boil on society and I made all sorts of dramatic noise trying to rationalize walking away from something that makes me happy, but that's not what I'm going to do. Last week was rough because I had a lot of things happen in a short time period that made me start questioning myself. But it wasn't rational. My demons aren't rational, and don't care about my happiness. Sometimes I have the energy to fight them off, other times they come out of left field when I'm already behind.

So yes, sometimes they win a few battles in a row, but I refuse to let them win the war for me. Hoohah? (I dunno, I feel like I should have some sort of battle cry here or something... )

Saturday, January 17, 2015

Let's Have a Hard Conversation...

Last night was the opening night for an exhibit entitled:1 in 3: Multidisciplinary Art Exhibition on Gender-Based Violence, Slut Shaming and Reproductive Rights. (Presented by Treeo in Phoenix) I attended the opening, not just as a viewer of art, but as one of about 20 woman who participated in the creation of said project. Having my picture taken for this project was hard for me, on multiple levels, the most basic being that I do not like having my picture taken, and the more complex being that I don't usually talk about the violence I have lived through. Seeing the photo part of the exhibit was moving, and I felt a sense of pride about it all. Seeing the video though, where were all talked about why we chose to participate put me into a slight amount of shock. Hearing a woman recite a poem about her own experience made me remember how it felt to have hands around my neck.

After my first experience with abuse, my mother threw me into counseling so I wouldn't have to burden her with my tales, instead I could talk through my issues with a revolving door of strangers. But whenever she met someone new, she would pour out her sad Woe Is Me story about how her life had been torn apart by events that, honestly, she was just collateral damage. Everyone she met, she told, and then they pitied her, and me, and my sisters. The standards for us became lower because we were all victims, and therefore couldn't amount to as much as the "normal people".

I got into one of the most dangerous relationships of my life my senior year of high school because I met a guy who had been through the ringer himself, and so he didn't treat me like a fragile flower. I loved how it seemed that he didn't treat me different than anyone else. Problem was that he didn't see me as weak per say, but he got inside of my brain and used my previous abuses to  manipulate me into thinking that the new types of abuse he subjected me to was actually what functional relationships looked like.

I hated it. I still hate it. I don't want people to look at what I achieve and say, good for you, most people like you couldn't do what you did. I don't want someone to love me in spite of my past, or even more because of it. The things I achieve in life should be congratulated because they're hard to achieve for ANYONE, I don't need the added label to make it an achievement.

Last night I was stripped raw to my core, and I was really glad that while I was at the exhibit I had two dear friends with me who both held my hand for most of the time we were inside. But then I had to go home and put my son to bed. And be alone. I sent a couple snapped photos I took from the exhibit to a couple people that are closer to me than most, and this portion of conversation sums up how I felt:

 So today is a new day, and I'm less raw than I was last night, but I realized something. I keep trying to separate the different parts of me, like the person who went through the trauma is a different person than who is a mother, and that the person who runs a business is different than either of those. Like I try to make it so the parts of me that has feelings and emotions never touches the parts of me that are practical and sensible. That's not normal though, that I'm pretty sure is schizophrenia. And I'm not crazy. Neurotic? Absolutely. OCD? Always an ongoing battle. But I'm not crazy. I keep wanting to make a difference in the world, and I want to say something worth being heard, but I can't keep acting like Megan Who Was Abused is anyone other than just Megan. It's all a part of everything I do, not just on nights where I actively talk about it, but in how I relate to people, and how I make decisions. I am not a broken mirror where only parts of me are usable at a time. I'm a piece of stained glass, where all the different pieces come together to make a work of art.

To be completely honest, I still want someone to come over and hold me, and have that outside reassurance that the harm I've lived through is over and gone, and that all that's left is some scars that are still apparently healing, but I probably don't need it. (Or I'm lying to myself) I was on the phone last night with my ex who had a terrific day and wanted to share, and I was happy to hear about it, but there was no hiding the pain I was feeling. This morning when I dropped my son off before I came to work he mentioned that I had sounded like I was in a bad place. I was, but we both knew his presence wouldn't have made it better, it might have even made it worse.

So I'm a bit of a mess right now, but even writing this all out helped me feel a little more at peace, and maybe one day I'll be like some of the women last night able to laugh and enjoy themselves at events like that.

Friday, January 16, 2015

I Really Should Have my Keyboard Taken Away After Midnight...

So life is on a pretty great upswing. My business moved locations over the holidays to a brand-new, built to my specifications space. I feel very, adult going into the office, like I look around trying to find the adult who signed the lease on the space, but I'M the adult who signed the lease.

I'm not used to things going my way, or for my dreams to come true. Like, good things happen, sure, but then really horrible things to balance it out. This is the longest upswing I've had in a really long time, and I'm really enjoying it, but it's made me wary. I'm an over thinker by nature, but right now my brain has made me come to a standstill. So many decisions in such a short time has made my brain short somewhere, like seriously, I had to decide where freaking light switches go because apparently "next to the door" isn't the obvious answer.

Anywho, I had a little stress tangent there, all better now. :)

So, a while ago I made a weekly commitment to write original content for a website. I've been trying to use my life experiences to write meaningful things, so it's been closer to bi-weekly. 3 weeks ago I started writing an article about how easy it is to be in a toxic relationship without even realizing it. Kinda heavy subject right? So I did something I've never done before, I wrote a skeleton and started filling in the blanks as words for each category came flowing. I worked really hard on it, and put it through my strongest editing I have ever done. Then I accidentally deleted half of it. I thought it was saved to my Google Drive, and was working on it from my laptop, and poof, buh bye hours of work.

So I haven't submitted anything to my weekly commitment in three weeks, because I've had to re-write HOURS of work, and I'm not done yet. I'm a word vomit my emotions type of person, and once I've gotten them out all it can sometimes be difficult to re-feel processed stuff. (Except for some new sort of feels, I can talk myself blue in the face and nothing, but shh, different subject for different time) Re-writing what I've already written, and get the same visceral responses as before, is hard. Almost harder than writing it the first time.

So what's my solution? Toil until my brain goes pop, distract brain, repeat. Tonight's distraction is this bright pink blog so yay you anonymous eyes?

Before I shut this down and pretend to sleep (9pm coffee plus insomniac means pretend sleep only tonight), I'm going to leave you with a Random Megan Factoid. Friends recently hit Netflix, and I watched it originally when it came out, and it's a different show as an adult. Ok. So it's the exact same show it was when it originally aired, but it's a different experience not as a hormonal teen. ;) Anywho, factoid is that apparently this show seeped into my brain a little more than I would have expected and I can still quote this show with scary accuracy. (And I still want to be Phoebe when I grow up) ;)

A Little Blasphemy as a Literal (and Figurative) Sign of Progress

 Hello there, it’s been a while, and in true returning from ghosting fashion, I am here to either share something vapid and meaningless, or ...