Sunday, October 25, 2015

I Don't Want to Talk About Today

Which is exactly why I need to.

For the last handful of weeks I have walking a thin line between my sanity and not sanity. From having to upend my life with next to no notice, to seeing multiple judges to fix multiple wrongs in my life to running out of toilet paper for the first time in my entire life because I don't have my own method of transportation and trips to the store are sometimes impossible to fit in. 

I have been thisclose to breaking down completely and I honestly don't know how I've made it this far, but I have. Today was filled with a lot of silent tears, the kind that burn your face when thye fall, and a lot of staring at the wall feeling a whole lot of nothing. But today was also a day filled with my son's laughter and a trip to the laundromat where poor Gil got kicked in the legs by said child who didn't like that I told him that he was staying while I popped over to the dollar store. 

I hated today. Whenever I was alone with myself I was being beat up by the meanest bully I know, my subconscious. And it was not holding back. Every single negative thought that has even popped by for a short moment showed up today and did a can-can on my brain-heart. 

It also didn't help that I completely forgot to eat until about half hour ago where that little lightbulb clicked over my head. 

The good news is that my job is so physically demanding that about every 3 months I take 3-4 days off to physically recooperate and that starts this Wednesday. Perfect timing. I am going to take my time off and completely reset myself. And turn 30, I guess. If I get reminded. Once again I am totally fine if my birthday gets skipped over and mostly ignored. I'm going to the aquarium with my son, and I asked Gil to produce a cake like thing, but that's it. 

My stomach is growling. I need to eat. So I'm done typing now. 

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Finally Home....

Last month was CRAZY! Not only did I have about 32 days to find a new place to live, I had the exact same amount of days to finish compiling the mountain of paperwork requested before you can see a judge for your divorce. With the exception of a delicate stack of tax papers that I try not to move unless I have to, I was able to turn all my paperwork in and find a new place to live! (I later transported said documents to my lawyer's office and every day that they stay there my fear grows that they'll lose some them, but it's totally out of my control at this point.)

Anywho. We still have more court dates ahead of us, but we're one step closer to the finish line! And I really don't have much more to say about that, except I have never wished I wasn't self-employed so hard as when I saw all the things I had to do to prove my income. I don't wish that mountain upon anyone..

I DO want to talk about my new house though. It is perfect. I am now the proud renter of an adorable little 2 bedroom, one bath duplex. It is the perfect size for my son and I, but my favorite part is the yard. The yard is probably bigger than the entire inside of my house, and it's just dirt right now so it is a blank slate.

We love it. I want to put grass down, and while sod is quicker, seed is more in my price point. There's also the perfect little space so I can plant a little garden and I have a little wish list going on where I have beautiful bushes, vegetables and herbs planned out for the side space. Monk wants a backyard playset, and an above ground pool, which both are totally do-able space wise, I just need to budget and plan a bit before those exist. But this past weekend he was able to go outside and play in the backyard, and it touched my heart to see.

This little duplex truly feels like home to me. Yeah, there's a list of projects I need/want to do to make it THE BEST PLACE EVER, but even in it's current state, it's home.

I can't even tell you the last time I felt like this... Not the Ardmore in LA, or the house my mom bought with her husband out here. No. Too much anger and abuse happened between those walls to ever feel like home to me... Visiting the beach feels similar, but not quite. I have people in my life that trigger those home feelings in me, but I'm pretty sure this is my actual factual First Home. The comfort I feel walking inside is almost magical, and seeing my son happy in his new awesome bed and playing in the living room fills me with a special kind of joy I didn't even realize I was missing.

My neighbors have lived in their side of the duplex for 8 years and from the peeks I see walking past their open windows they have made a lovely home for themselves, and I have every intention of staying in my little home as long as possible and doing the same. :)

A Little Blasphemy as a Literal (and Figurative) Sign of Progress

 Hello there, it’s been a while, and in true returning from ghosting fashion, I am here to either share something vapid and meaningless, or ...