Sorry, but no, this is NOT a link to the three girls in the car grabbing their boobs and flashing a crotch to Bohemian Rhapsody, but I'm pretty sure this was my first ever cultural reference to something that didn't happen in the 90's, so go me! ;)
Anywho, recently I've had some pretty serious shit go down, if not to me, around me, and more often than not; Anxious Megan (and her horrible weak stomach) has kinda been running the show while Logical Megan has been out of commission with a broken leg or something. It's been great making all this emotional progress as a human and all, except for the constant stream of emotions involved. I honestly don't know how normal people deal with all these emotions all the time, and I really wish sometimes the healthy thing to do would be to just lock that shit up and bury it, but didn't I just say a sentence or two ago that I'm glad to have made these personal growth things a reality? Being in touch with your emotions is exhausting!
Well, so, crazy all around, and in my head, and I've actually started to debate rethinking my current stance on medication. I love a clear head, and it is a BITCH getting those damn things configured so that I'm not a walking fuzz ball, but if I can't get more in control of these anxiety attacks I might have to go through that hell to knock them back down to a reasonable amount. I went from not having ANY in easily 2 plus years to having more than I can count in the last 5 months. I'm giving myself more time before deciding because I feel like things are finally settling down, and I really don't want to live in a fog, but since I don't like absolutes, we shall see.
Remember as a kid when you wanted something REALLY bad, and your parents told you that if you wanted it you had to earn it by your behavior? Or even better example: Abraham. According to the bible (yes I know it, even though I am not a religious person), Abraham and God had conversations and during one of them he told Abraham to slaughter his son as a sacrifice to prove he loved God. Last effing moment an angel stops him, and he was rewarded (with something, I hope).
That's kinda how life has been feeling lately, horrible, dramatic events happen, where I have to make really hard decisions; fight back or roll over in defeat; stand up for yourself or shrink away silently in fear; give up something super important to you, or lose even more. Just like in the parable, when I steel myself to give up the important things to survive the situations, I end up having something happen that wasn't even a reality for me when trying to plot a course. It's like I'm constantly being tested on how willing I am to try to do the "right" thing and when I do, these horrible things almost instantly become these things with easy solutions and the stress I felt earlier feels dramatic and annoying so I end up feeling foolish, even though I know I had crappy starting options.
I also feel like I need to mention that I have two incredible friends who for some reason keep helping me deal with life in general. Like I have a good handful of friends that are above and beyond in caliber of people, and they all make me smile on the regular. But these two people.... I just don't understand their motives. They are seriously two of the best people I have ever met in my entire life, and this week especially, I'm not sure what I'd do if they weren't a part of my life. I have absolutely no clue what I can do to express to them how amazing they both are to me, but I welcome the challenge, and will one day figure out the right combination of words and actions to properly articulate how much of my heart they occupy.
Sorry if this is too vague or what have you, I debated whether or not I would go into actual details over any of the recent events that have unfolded, but ultimately decided that I don't want to have to put anymore effort and energy into these things than absolutely required of me. Also, even though it seems to follow me around like a homeless puppy, I really don't enjoy the drama constantly circling me so I'm trying not to feed it. I work in the service industry, the drama from dealing with people all the time is truly enough for me. ;)
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