Thursday, April 30, 2015

A Race to Leave My Brain...

I have about three things weighing heavy on my mind, and I'm not sure which one is going to win, so since 9:30 in the morning is not an acceptable nap time no matter what time I went to bed/my son woke me up, I'm going to attempt a morning post while the sun is up for once.

Last Sunday one of my BFFs shared her children's museum membership with me, my son and his dad  (and her gaggle of foster kids). When you first walk in, there is this huge structure about 3 stories high for kids (and adults) to climb inside of. Normally I go with a small enough group that I can stay on purse duty while everyone else goes up, but there was too many kids this time so up I went.

I ended up with a two year old and a three year old in my care, climbing up this massive structure made of milk cartons and bamboo. About the time we reached a milk carton platform near the top, I heard a little girl start hiccup crying because she was scared and her dad was in a different chamber, I glanced at my feet, and my stomach dropped. My arms started shaking and I had to grab the side rails to force myself to keep standing. The little girl was still crying, and about the same size as the two with me so I let her go behind my girls and in front of me for the rest of the climb up, whispering loudly that it was all ok, and there was nothing to be afraid of. As soon as I was out of the tube I had myself directed to the way down by another adult and the four of us made our way down.

The entire time my heart was pounding, I felt flushed and nauseated, and I'm pretty sure I was sporting my crazy eyes. But I did it. I kept them from feeling fear and made it safely to the bottom. Yes, I know that it is a safe structure built to last. I KNOW that. But when I get too high I can't reach that rational part of my brain, I just become petrified.. I can think of at least 3 other times in my life when I've become stuck places because I was too scared to move. I hate shopping centers with more than one story because I swear they all use glass for their barriers and I can't stand close enough to see down without my stomach dropping.

I'm scared of heights. I love roller coasters, but am scared of heights. I'd like to think that I've won some huge battle by being able to have made it through while being in charge of others' well being, but I don't know that it counts for much...

How many irrational fears does one have to have before just being an irrational person? o.O

Saturday, April 11, 2015

The REAL Truth About Life, The Universe, and Everything (Besides 42 Obvs)

So I disappeared for about a month. 5 weeks to be exact (according to the website that I'm supposed to be submitting weekly content to at least.) I have my reasons, none of them really matter, but they exist. The important thing is that I'm back, and before the night ends I will have submitted my content to all the places that I am supposed to. I am officially back on schedule. TADA! (I'm pretty sure only like 3 people outside of myself actually care, but whatev)

Anywho... What I've learned in my short time away from some of my responsibilities is that being a full fledged, functioning member of society means that life can, and most likely will be equal parts totally amazing and fufilling AND mind numbingly horrifying. And on the occasion, life will be both.

Like right now. I might never see my car again, I'm having  to learn how to navigate my life with a child and NO vehicle. I am bumming rides and cashing in favors I haven't even earned yet. Because I didn't wear my seatbelt for approximately 500 feet, technically right now I am a wanted criminal. Seriously. I am a green-haired girl with a sparkly pink phone, and I'm considered a dangerous criminal right now. Seriously. This part really, really, really, REALLY sucks, and I have had a considerable number of freak outs and panic attacks in regards to how exactly I will be solving this mess. (So far, there are more questions than answers, fyi)

Flip the coin. My business is doing better than it ever has before. I recently got approved for a miniature loan just the right amount to finish furnishing the new space and pay rent for myself and my office manager's homes. I hosted a Seder for 12 people that had to be GF and vegetarian friendly, and it went off without a hitch. I even had people at the table who busted out into a Hebrew song in a round since I can never get the musical part of Seder down. The biggest drama at the table was that I am horrible at pouring bubbly purple liquids. I have people in my life that just a brush of their arm or a squeeze of my hand can make even the worst days better. My son is one of the smartest kids I have ever had the honor of meeting, and being his mom brings me more joy than I ever imagined.

That's life, good and bad, at the same time. The details for all of us are different, and no one should try to compare their mess to another, that's NOT the point. The point is for us to search for the solutions we need in life and try our damndest to be as cheerful about it as you can manage. Well. Cheerful might be a bit too much sometimes, but the point is to try...

Or give up completely, but that seems like a waste of a life... ;)

A Little Blasphemy as a Literal (and Figurative) Sign of Progress

 Hello there, it’s been a while, and in true returning from ghosting fashion, I am here to either share something vapid and meaningless, or ...