Sometimes, The Demons Win....

So my last post was the night after a really intense night for me and then I went silent. Surprise surprise!! I swear I try really hard not to run away every time things get scary, but some habits are hard to break. In my defense, I half wrote posts for here in my head about 4 times, but never was able to commit it to paper (or keyboard), and only part of the reason is because my laptop at home takes an average of 10 minutes to acknowledge anything I type or click on.

Thing is, I've been fighting a spiral, and it has been winning more often than I'd like. There's been quite a few days where there's this heavy weight sitting on my shoulders and chest and brain and just making it through to the end of the day where I can be alone is as much of a battle as I could stand.

I'm lucky in the sense that I have a pretty solid group of friends that I can be honest with when I'm not doing the greatest fighting my internal battles and just sitting next to them being distracted from the extremes going on inside of me has been the greatest gift of all.

I've never really had the freedom before to talk about the demons inside of me, I've always tried to keep them hidden, and to only show my face when they're sleeping or when my mask is glued on tight, and they've always felt so...... ugly. And, I mean, they are, but for some reason, they aren't as strong as they used to be. Maybe I'm doing a bad job of feeding them or something, but it's becoming easier to fight them, and my spirals are getting easier to get out of. Sure, just last Thursday I felt like I was a walking boil on society and I made all sorts of dramatic noise trying to rationalize walking away from something that makes me happy, but that's not what I'm going to do. Last week was rough because I had a lot of things happen in a short time period that made me start questioning myself. But it wasn't rational. My demons aren't rational, and don't care about my happiness. Sometimes I have the energy to fight them off, other times they come out of left field when I'm already behind.

So yes, sometimes they win a few battles in a row, but I refuse to let them win the war for me. Hoohah? (I dunno, I feel like I should have some sort of battle cry here or something... )