Thursday, April 30, 2015

A Race to Leave My Brain...

I have about three things weighing heavy on my mind, and I'm not sure which one is going to win, so since 9:30 in the morning is not an acceptable nap time no matter what time I went to bed/my son woke me up, I'm going to attempt a morning post while the sun is up for once.

Last Sunday one of my BFFs shared her children's museum membership with me, my son and his dad  (and her gaggle of foster kids). When you first walk in, there is this huge structure about 3 stories high for kids (and adults) to climb inside of. Normally I go with a small enough group that I can stay on purse duty while everyone else goes up, but there was too many kids this time so up I went.

I ended up with a two year old and a three year old in my care, climbing up this massive structure made of milk cartons and bamboo. About the time we reached a milk carton platform near the top, I heard a little girl start hiccup crying because she was scared and her dad was in a different chamber, I glanced at my feet, and my stomach dropped. My arms started shaking and I had to grab the side rails to force myself to keep standing. The little girl was still crying, and about the same size as the two with me so I let her go behind my girls and in front of me for the rest of the climb up, whispering loudly that it was all ok, and there was nothing to be afraid of. As soon as I was out of the tube I had myself directed to the way down by another adult and the four of us made our way down.

The entire time my heart was pounding, I felt flushed and nauseated, and I'm pretty sure I was sporting my crazy eyes. But I did it. I kept them from feeling fear and made it safely to the bottom. Yes, I know that it is a safe structure built to last. I KNOW that. But when I get too high I can't reach that rational part of my brain, I just become petrified.. I can think of at least 3 other times in my life when I've become stuck places because I was too scared to move. I hate shopping centers with more than one story because I swear they all use glass for their barriers and I can't stand close enough to see down without my stomach dropping.

I'm scared of heights. I love roller coasters, but am scared of heights. I'd like to think that I've won some huge battle by being able to have made it through while being in charge of others' well being, but I don't know that it counts for much...

How many irrational fears does one have to have before just being an irrational person? o.O

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