Sunday, February 16, 2014

Whispers versus Shouts

I'm a rambler. It can easily take me a paragraph to say what only needs three words. I'm "well read" (in the sense that I choose books over most people, but that doesn't mean that everything I've read is worth conversation) so I have an above average vocabulary and I have had people with huge deal degrees ask me what words come out of my mouth mean (yeah, I'm bragging just a bit, sue me).

Despite the awesome vocabulary knocking around in my brain, I have trouble actually verbalizing the things that I need to, especially when it involves those annoying things called feelings. I either keep it all locked up tight and hope it's not read on my face or ramble and try to slip nuggets of importance mixed in with total nonsense. (And if it's not received well? I can claim it nonsense). I'm not exactly proud of this, but at the same time, I can't honestly say I'm actively working to change it. I sometimes imagine situations where I have the words already on hand and just beautifully articulate whatever it is I need to. The couple of times I've tried? Pauses and fumbles galore. PLUS, conversations don't work like speeches and there's usually another person that has responses before I can get through my well thought out ramble.

Except. Twice. Twice in my life I have been able to clearly and boldly say exactly what needs to be said without the excess ramble. Straight to the point. Sharp shot words hitting their designated targets. Beautiful and eloquent with no wiggle room for misinterpretation.
The first time was a handful of years ago when I loaned a friend a beautiful thing that I wasn't using, but was a personal favorite, to find out that he broke it and tried to hide it. I confronted and gave him a chance to come clean and he lied to my face. Unfortunately, for him we were in a room of about 12 of my closest friends and I verbally destroyed him right in public.
The second happened this last Friday night. My sitter texted me earlier in the day letting me know that my son caught my roommate's boyfriend going into my room and taking my laundry quarters. When my not even 4 year old son yelled at him and freaked out he put it back. Nice, I guess, but my patience snapped. I've been questioning my sanity wondering where my stupid quarters and a few dollars have gone for a while now, no proof, other than missing sodas in the fridge, but I had a feeling.  I changed the lock on my  bedroom door and left the old handle on the kitchen table, part of me hoping he would just see it and know that I know, the other part of me wanting to confront him. He asked. I answered. Again: Beautiful, sharp, ANGRY, totally sincere words. I didn't give him a chance to explain, because when betrayal comes into play, there is no explanation good enough, and I just don't care the reasons why.
I guess I should feel remorse? For being so... cruel? No. I wasn't cruel, I stopped myself before crossing that line, but I was angry. And mean. I feel justified though so I just feel relief of some sort.

So we've covered shouts, care to hear about the whispers?

Because I know speaking is not my strong point I instead share through "whispers". Small actions that if you look at them you can see my thoughts. The message might not always be received, but at least I know I was able to express myself even if no one but myself sees it. I like my whispers, they are comforting to do, and even if the exact message isn't read I know that they still probably hit the general area. I'm uncomfortable around you and can't figure out a way to verbally tell you? Watch me slightly modify things so I'm around you less.. And I guess the same in reverse? I'm not big into hallmark holidays (even the more substantial ones seem to get on my nerves because of the BIG DEAL they seem to turn into), but I know that to most people not getting acknowledgment on these days TO SHOW THE WORLD (whatever we're celebrating) stings. So I try to send whispers. Sure, I'm whispering different things to different people, but still whispering.

I've never met someone who whispers like me (or, if I have, I'm more dense than I realize and didn't notice, and if I thought I noticed a possible whisper I assumed I was crazy, 'cause I am ;) ), but I want to be friends with a fellow whisperer.

I could be wrong, or maybe I'm just speaking for myself, but I much prefer whispers to shouts. In my personal experience, whenever I see shouts for the world to see I just roll my eyes in, well, disgust like emotions, but when I catch whispers? Warms that thing inside my chest and gives me goopies.

Well this was helpful to me in more ways than one. Now I feel more mentally prepared to go face the accidental battlefield I created.

A Little Blasphemy as a Literal (and Figurative) Sign of Progress

 Hello there, it’s been a while, and in true returning from ghosting fashion, I am here to either share something vapid and meaningless, or ...