Sunday, April 3, 2016

Dust Settling

So, I've been trying to find the time to write this for an entire month, and I have JUST now found the time (and the computer's charging cord) to sit down and type.

Back in January, towards the end of another barely making ends meet month, I made the decision to start the process of shutting down my business. And then, I started making money. Not a lot of money, but enough to actually pay my bills on time AND go grocery shopping for more than 3 days at a time! I know, my life is tiny and simple, but I love it. So, at first I took it as a sign that I made the right decision, and kept pushing towards an end that would take a year or so to get to. And that might still be what happens. BUT, I've kinda have a recent revelation that has me re-thinking a total shut down, and more of a re-direction. The girl who was working with/for me isn't coming back from her maternity leave, so instead of one empty room I have two rooms to rent. Originally I was going to rent out my entire office and sub-rent my own room back for the rest of the year to finish out my existing packages already sold, but now I think I'm going to rent out the rooms to people with complementary practices as my own, drastically cut back on the hours I work and spend more time with my loved ones.

I have been a career obsessed workaholic since before I could drive, and when I discovered my love of massage I envisioned an intense wellness center, and it used to make my entire being sparkle. But.... I got burnt out, a while ago. In trying to keep the doors open I pushed aside the type of work that brings me joy, and just did any type for any person who was willing to use a coupon. I burnt out, and was stressed out constantly. When the drama with my ex-husband happened last year, I felt like I had no where to go to feel at peace. I felt stressed at home, I felt stressed at work, and I just wanted the crazy to stop.

I don't want the wellness center anymore. I don't want to be the boss. I don't think I can work for someone else after so many years on my own, but I LOVE working with people and helping them walk better, move better, feel better. I love being able make an immediate difference in people's structure.

But also, I love my son, and I don't get to see him 5 days a week anymore, I now share him half of the week with his dad, which is great for him to build a strong relationship with his dad, but that means I have less time with him. So I've started changing my schedule so I'm off work shortly after his school day ends, and working longer on the days he's with his dad.

So that's the dust settled on the work side of things. Yes, I need renters, but I have faith that the right people will find my space and it will be lovely.


When my marriage failed, I thought since I couldn't make a relationship work with my best friend, that the best I could ever hope for would be a guy that was physically compatible to share a bed with once or twice a week that never evolved into anything beyond. That was the bar I set for myself, and as low of a bar as it was, for a long time I never even came close to reaching it. Gil changed that. I never thought that I would ever get to be in the type of relationship where my heart swelled with happiness and joy over silly, mundane things being said to me. I have had reverse anxiety attacks where my heart is so full that it feels like it's going to explode out of my chest. I didn't even know that was a thing!

But, I've felt splintered. When my son is at his dad's, I have a huge gaping hole in my heart and my home, and so I've spent a lot of time at Gil's house, which means the projects I have are taking longer to do since I have to do them on the weekends with a bunch of kiddos under foot. And when my son is home I usually spend my time with him and am mostly cut off from the rest of the world. I feel like I've been living two different lives, my life with Monk, and my life with Gil. Both satisfying and heart filled, but completely separate and  different. A handful of months ago we started to spend time the three of us, and they love each other. Makes my heart swell even more to watch them interact. :)

So, Gil and I decided to share a roof. Officially as of yesterday! (Even though he took all of last month to mosey his stuff over here). We asked Monk, and he literally jumped for joy.

So, Monk, Gil, and I, are now living in our tiny little duplex, and life isn't splintered anymore. Life is complete.

I feel like a brand new adventure is about to start, the book of old has shut, and a brand new is being written.

This blog is currently called "Life at the Speed of Crazy", but that is no longer true. So I'm going to revamping this with quite a few updates, name to start. I'm very bad with technology so it might take me a while to get a friend or two's help in the changes, but I'm excited.

I don't know where this new path is going to take me, but I hope you stick around for the ride, my dear anonymous eyes. 

A Little Blasphemy as a Literal (and Figurative) Sign of Progress

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