Thursday, November 28, 2019

Hello Again, Old Friend...

I mentally wrote about 50 posts here since I last opened this page on my browser, and some of them were hands down the best set of words I've ever formed. But they never made it out of my brain, and are gone forever. ;)

A lot of life has happened since I was last here - including a /real/ bout with cervical cancer (but not bad enough for chemo), and a career-ending injury that I probably will always have a permanent physical reminder of; that led to me having to close down my business. And those giant sad moments were a part of why I stopped typing. I don't want to just write when I'm sad or have bad things to process. And for a long time, that seemed to be the only way I could write, and that seemed like a waste of words.

My life right now, is not perfect, but brings me more joy than it has in a lifetime. I have a well paying job that allows me to only need to work there. My bad workaholic habits from being self-employed are slowing getting broken, and I'm not working every second of the time my son isn't with me, which is GREAT! I'm still working at having actual weekends off when my kiddo isn't with me, but I have made a lot of progress! I'm working out on a regular basis and even though I am no where near as strong as I was when I worked freight, I'm averaging a 10-12 minute mile on the machines at the gym which is kinda awesome!

I'm trying to buy a home, so my son and I can stop moving around all the time, but apparently having the right credit score is only part of the puzzle, and I'm having trouble finding a person to tell me the other pieces...

And I'm volunteering a lot. So much I'm the current president of a state wide non-profit. And I'm part of a community that makes my heart /so/ happy, even if I do have to dress up on a way too regular of a basis.

The weird thing is, I'm glad for all the crap thrown my way the last couple of years. For so long, I'd been thrown challenges through the people around me, and all it did was teach me how to build a wall around my heart and how to think the worst of people. But these /things/ that happened to me, that were completely out of my control made it so I had to re-learn how to trust people.

I'm still terrible at it, and my default setting is still set to auto-distrust, but I /know/ that's where I automatically go, so I can actively work on that when I meet people who don't deserve my walls. And I've learned how to ask for help when I need it. I won't beg, but I can say what I need and ask for it and then the rest is up to the people around me.

My life is still a total work in progress, and probably will be for a /very/ long time, but that's ok. I'm happier than I have been in a long time, and that can't be a bad thing. :)

A Little Blasphemy as a Literal (and Figurative) Sign of Progress

 Hello there, it’s been a while, and in true returning from ghosting fashion, I am here to either share something vapid and meaningless, or ...