Friday, August 29, 2014

This comes from pure, unadulterated, mindnumbing boredom....

I'm warning you now in case this is the worst piece of drivel you have ever read and you immediately want a refund when finished. Never mind that you're not paying and I'm not refunding. ;)

Today is my office day. Usually the phone is ringing and I am spazzing out about all the millions of things I have scheduled to do that I can't do because I keep getting pulled away. Not today. Today the phone is silent, and I actually got through all my items on my to-do list. I've decided that if it's still this silent come 6pm I am hopping into my sad little taped together car and running for the hills. (Or just my second story apartment.. whatev)

I wish I had some fascinating story I could share with you, or that I could remember what I planned on writing here when I sat down here next, buuuut my mind is numb which translates to blank...

The Monk started preschool 3 weeks ago and is having such a blast... He enjoys getting into his "school clothes" (which the angry teenaged rebel gal is still warring with the laundry is much easier and I don't have to fight over outfits mom over) and he has learned to write him name. Mostly. I say mostly because he really wants there to be an "E" in his name where there is an "A". He has a kickass R2D2 backpack and actual homework. What's homework for a preschooler you ask? Homework for mommie mostly. (Like pointing out the letter of the week out in the real world and finding certain shaped things that I'm ok never seeing again once he takes it to school)

So, life is kinda slow right now, but in a nice, peaceful way. And I am totes going home now.. ;)

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Finished Projects Falling All Around Me....

A few posts ago I mentioned my list of projects and in the last handful of days I have completely wrapped up two (granted they're connected to each other, but whatev) and I am at a temporary stopping point for one of the hardest things I have ever written.

The two related things are hanging in Megan Needs to Prove She's Human Limbo, but I expect that to be all cleared up by Monday, and hopefully I will be getting AMAZING news sometime that same day. Either that or it'll be ugly cry inducing news that I will have to brush off and fake my way through not becoming a wreck. OR the universe will play a mean trick on me and I won't get the news I'm waiting for.

The third is what I am most proud of. Four pages of pure non-fictional writing. No coy wording or flowery descriptions to make it easier to read. Just my own special version of speech telling the story of me growing up. I sent it off to a friend so I can get her opinion on edits and hopefully she'll be able to help guide me to a suitable ending and I'll be able to submit it somewhere for a lot of people to read. That's always been my goal, share the ugly, let it help others deal with their own demons and let it be known that the labels forced upon us by others don't have to define us if we don't want them to.

What I wasn't expecting was the lightness I feel. After writing it, and reading it and feeling a little (a lot) stabbed in the gut, I felt strangely at peace about it all. Like writing it out drained out the poison that has been coursing through my blood for the last 20 plus years of my life. I feel (finally) detached from it. Like it no longer belongs to me. Yes it helped shape me into the person I am today (tonight to be literal), but it doesn't define me, and it hasn't in a long time, I just hadn't noticed before.

It has taken me a long time to tell this particular story, and now that it's been taken from me, I feel ready for a new story to define my life by.

Yes, its not done yet, and there's still some aftermath to write about, and I need to find an appropriate venue to share it on, but all in good time. I've been actively trying to write this piece since I was 16, and now that I've finally gotten this far there is no way I'm stopping now.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Life-ing Sucessfully..

I was 23 when I got married. 6 months later I was pregnant. I was the first in my group of friends to have a baby so I got to discover things by trial and error.

Being a 24 year old, single without children is COMPLETELY different than being married with a baby, there is absolutely nothing wrong with either lives, but they are each their own lifestyle. I'm still friends with the same people, but the dynamics have changed. When my son was first born and I was starting to leave the house I could carry him around in my carrier and he could sleep while I/we was hanging out with our friends. Sure occasionally I would need to stop and do the mom thing, but when he was first born, it didn't matter all that much. The older my son got the harder it became to hang out with my friends with my son around, not because my friends are child hating a-holes, but because different behaviors are appropriate for different ages.

I try not to be one of those parents who shields their children from the world, but I do try to introduce things to him at an age he can process whether or not it's something new for him to try or if it's strictly for older people. Take alcohol for example. I will not have more than one alcoholic beverage around my son, and I tell him that he can't touch it because it's "Adult Soda" and will make him really sick. Sometimes he gets curious about my sugar rims so I've let him dip his fingers into the sugar packet, but he knows not to touch anything that comes in a beer bottle, different shaped cocktail glasses (or even solo cup).

Anywho, for the majority of the past 4 years I have usually either had to get a sitter or play Rock, Paper, Scissors with my ex to decide who gets to go out with our friends and have some adult time. Every invitation I get I ask "Is it a kid friendly event?" and base my attendance on that. Since my ex is still off on his adventure right now my options are either get a sitter or stay in. OR IS IT?? ;)
This weekend one of my friends had a pool party that I was originally going to be hours late for and just catch the tail end of it and take my son home for bedtime. I had something better happen instead. My son got to play to the point of exhaustion, pass out on the couch and I got to stay to the end of the party (much later than I'm admitting to strange eyes sorry) and there was no pressure to "Keep my Kid in Check" or any sort of discomfort of him being around. The next day I had to stop by a house that is by definition a Bachelor Pad with my son and again, he wasn't just tolerated, instead he was welcomed and I wasn't made to feel like a pariah. 

I don't know if it's because he's older, or if we're all getting older, or maybe a combination of both, but this weekend was the first time I didn't feel like the Child-less population was waiting for my apology for bringing my son into their part of the world.

It was nice.

Friday, August 1, 2014

Being Dissapointed and the Ugly Path It's Taken me...

If you would have seen me last week, I was a glowing ball of happiness. Not one, but two things that I have quietly dreamed about for a VERY long time seemed to be coming together for me. I was excited. I felt like the roller coaster we call life was heading up and that it was going to stay there for a while. Now, I'd like to think I'm a realist. Life last week still had it's struggles, but for the first time in a while it felt like they were less important since the majority of life was good. And not just good. Good on it's way to amazing. I was laughing harder, smiling bigger, I just generally felt GOOD. More than that, I felt like the things I desire and have been working for were close enough to touch, and if they were close enough to touch, then finally, it was safe to say those words out loud right?

My bubble popped Wednesday. In reality, it was less of a bubble pop and more of a feeling like I got punched in the stomach. This morning, the second dream of mine has been put into limbo. Neither is certain, but one is definitely less certain than the other. I've wanted both of these for so long, and to get so close just to have it pulled away has really done a number on me.

I'm not good with my emotions. For the longest time I had them safely walled away and was able to only see things in the most clinical way, but over the last couple of years my wall has been slowly chipped away and I've been feeling things, not just burying them deep down. But the intensity of suck I'm feeling right now really takes my breath away. I was crying the other night, and while I was crying I was going "What the hell? Why are you crying so hard? Is this really this big of a deal?" It's like I'm at war with myself. Brain v Heart and no matter the outcome my physical body is the one that suffers.

I don't even know if I'm overreacting or not. Like, am I really this affected by these things or am I just so new to experiencing emotions it's hitting me harder than it would normally?

I have a nervous stomach, and whenever I start to feel any emotion too strongly my stomach starts rocking and I usually end up sick. Like when I wrote my article that got posted on TC, I couldn't eat for a week after it posted my stomach was tied in such knots.

The worst part of how I'm feeling is that there's no answer. I thought I was getting the Yeses of my dreams, and instead I find out that I'm not nearly as close to the final answers as I originally thought. I thought I was getting out of life limbo, and apparently my sentence has been extended.

All this ^^^^^ internal bullshiet I've been dealing with has lead to me being a pretty nasty person yesterday. I actually verbally lashed out at someone just because I'm hurting and I didn't want to be alone in my hurt. What kind of shit person does that?

So now, I'm sad and hurt and a little angry, which led me to being an ass to people I actually am quite fond of, which now adds guilt to the mix.

This being human thing is hard. Can I go back to being a robot please?

A Little Blasphemy as a Literal (and Figurative) Sign of Progress

 Hello there, it’s been a while, and in true returning from ghosting fashion, I am here to either share something vapid and meaningless, or ...