Wednesday, April 23, 2014

All The Catholic Guilt, None of the Theology...

Here we are, like I promised, same title as planned, and for the most part the same general idea. But also more. I think. This is going to be slightly more narcissistic than normal, and either really long winded or much shorter than I expected. (This is MY blog about MY life, how is this not an act of narcissism? Exactly.)

Since I originally set out to write this I've read other thoughts, by other people that have helped me realize how far I still have to go. My guilt complex (which I'm about to go into great detail about) has succeeded in trapping me into either doing things I don't want to, or most recently preventing me from going after the things I want.


5 years ago I became a Massage Therapist, and because one of my lame super powers is the ability to snag any job I ever interview for, I very quickly landed a $25/massage $12/non-massage hour job where I easily took home approximately $600 a week. Not at all shabby for a gal just out of school. Before I left there due to my pregnancy from hell (not an exaggeration, it was awful), I had become the Billing Manager, the Receptionist, the Lead Therapist, and the Janitor. When my boss went on vacation he trusted me with a key to the place to still see clients. It was awesome.

I've had two real clear consistant wants out of my life: to be a mother and to own my own business. The details involved with them both have changed and sometimes have been totally blurry, but the bare bones has always been the same.

After my son was born I was given an opportunity to go out on my own and start my own official business in a shared office space in Old Town. With nothing but my table and a couple days off from my "real" jobs (yes, plural) I dove in. I was sharing my room with a girl that did facials so for starters we offered $100 for both an hour massage and a facial. Trickle, trickle it started. We were next to a bar, and there was about 10 other people working in the building so I printed off some cards from Vista Print and told people I usually charged $60 an hour but since I was new to the neighborhood I could give them a one time try at $25. Boom. More clients. Then I had the conversation that changed everything for me.

One of the girls in the building ran a special through a website that no longer exists and they pre-sold her services then wrote her a check for $400. $400!!! That's a lot of money all at once for a start up with no working capital to speak of. Hell, back then I didn't know what working capital meant. I made $6,000. Then another $4,000. I went from bumkin business owner to needing more space and helpers. I went from 4 full time jobs plus being a mom to being a mom with one full time job.

Pretty awesome yeah? Where's the guilt? Right here. In my industry there are hundreds of MTs getting ripped of and under paid/undervalued by not just jerk bosses who see us as instruments for their success, but by consumers who don't think we're worth our full price. They jump from office to office looking for the cheapest deal instead of the best individual provider for them. They want 5 star service at a half star price. I know that I'm not the only one responsible for the bargain hunting mentality in my industry, but I feel strong pangs of guilt whenever this subject comes up since I know my naivety and eagerness played a huge part in how the market looks for my industry in my city area.

I have a kid sister. Well. I have a lot more than that, but for this example I'm only going to be talking about two of my sisters. We had a rough time growing up in the Cross house, and I was given the burden of my younger sisters' care before elementary school ended. There's no nice way to say this, but I thought I could only save one of them so I poured all my energy into keeping the baby sister safe. I in no means ignored our other sister, but we were like fire and ice and she really only wanted basic care from me. My entire life's purpose was giving our baby sister the best life imaginable, and I gave up countless things to make sure she was well. She lived with me during summer breaks and weekends, and even her entire junior year of high school. Making sure she had every opportunity I never did was the most important thing to me. I got her out of the bad neighborhood, and gave her the chance to be around good, solid, non-stereotype embracing people. When she started smoking like me it broke my heart a little. When our other sister started too I felt the first twinges of fauilure. They both are grown and have chosen to walk down the familar paths of our childhood, bad boys, worse decisions, etc.
I have no clue where exactly I failed them, but when I see their lives it tears me up and I just feel like I should have failure stamped on my forehead.

I also feel partially responsible for making bright hair more accepted in the work place, but I don't feel guilty for that, just slightly more prideful than I have actually earned. ;)

This is pretty heavy shiz isn't it? Sorry. It feels kinda nice to unburden myself of my irrational levels of guilt, and to be able to recognize the errors in my thoughts.

So besides realizing I truly am not the mother of the world I've come to this conclusion: It's not all my fault. Sure, there are some cut and dry things I am guilty of, but when it comes down to it, there is a lot of things not my fault and not my job to care about. At some point I have to stop worrying about everyone around me and start paying attention to myself. I can't keep basing my decisions on others, I need to be able to do things I want to do without feeling guilty for having fun. I haven't had the most fun life, but at this point in the game its my own damn fault, and I need to chase after it before I end up guilting myself.

Friday, April 11, 2014

The Absolute WORSE Advice I Have Ever Received...

Holy Crap Guys. I think I'm starting to take my bright pink blog seriously or something, since I actually am planning out in advance what I'm going to writing about... I actually have a half written in my head blog called "All The Catholic Guilt without the Theology", that was next in my queue that none of you knew existed, that I'm bumping back to share this following information.

I've reached the point in my break up that people that aren't privy to my personal life have started to notice that I haven't mentioned my ex recently, so the innocent prying of "I haven't heard much about XYZ lately, how're things doing with him?" has been coming up more in conversation. Which then is usually followed by the "Oh no!!! How are you doing dear?!?" Annoying, but they mean well so I try not to be a hag about it. Except for one lady. "Oh no! You poor dear! You're a single mom now?!?! Well. Let me tell you, you need to go find yourself a handsome married man, sleep with him, then threaten to tell his wife unless he takes care of your bills for you."

Um. Wha? Holy Horrible Stereotypes Batman! You sure did just make a WHOLE lot of assumptions in 60 seconds. First off, my ex and I are on pretty good terms, and ::if:: I needed more help to take care of my son, he would help me figure things out. Secondly. I don't even have nice words to say about the advice I was given so I'm just going to leave a pair of googly eyes right here and let it be known that I am still flabbergasted, and that THIS is why I hate people. O.O

Anywho, there's a handful of questions that seemed to be the FAQs of someone getting a divorce that seem highly inappropriate, but are asked anyways so here's the common 3 I get, with my answers.

Why Did You Guys Split? Helllllo there person just arriving to the party! You are just finding out about something that happened months ago, why do you think you have any right to know the private details of why we split? Anywho. To ease minds, neither one of us are cheaters or beaters so you don't have to pick a side unless you really didn't like one of us anyways. ;)

Is He Seeing Someone Else? Honestly? I dunno. I don't think so, but that is none of my business anymore, and the next time it will be my business is when there's someone in his life important enough to introduce to our son. We tried to be the really cool ex-couple that could talk to each other about stuff like drinking buddies do early on, but we're not. So we don't.

Are You Seeing Anyone? Juicy question.... None of your business. I know! I'm so horrible! Trying to keep my private life private! Refer to question one. If you are just finding out about this, what makes you think you have any right to know anything else in my life. Don't you think that if I thought it was important to mention I would? Really, the only people my dating life should matter to is to someone who is trying to date me, anyone else it's just being nosy. Besides, I'm kinda of the belief that if you need to know something you do. If you don't know, it's none of your business. ;)

So angry at me right now I know!!!! How dare you with such an active social media presence try to claim privacy!!! But think about it. The outrage is coming from people that see my cute kid, my career, and that I'm snarky and think I'm hilarious. I control what I share in the public eye, not you. Most people see what I let them see, and that's a bunch of fluff about glitter and shiz. If you feel like you are someone who should know these things ask yourself when the last time we spoke was. Then get over yourself. ;)

Until Next Time!!

A Little Blasphemy as a Literal (and Figurative) Sign of Progress

 Hello there, it’s been a while, and in true returning from ghosting fashion, I am here to either share something vapid and meaningless, or ...