If you would have seen me last week, I was a glowing ball of happiness. Not one, but two things that I have quietly dreamed about for a VERY long time seemed to be coming together for me. I was excited. I felt like the roller coaster we call life was heading up and that it was going to stay there for a while. Now, I'd like to think I'm a realist. Life last week still had it's struggles, but for the first time in a while it felt like they were less important since the majority of life was good. And not just good. Good on it's way to amazing. I was laughing harder, smiling bigger, I just generally felt GOOD. More than that, I felt like the things I desire and have been working for were close enough to touch, and if they were close enough to touch, then finally, it was safe to say those words out loud right?
My bubble popped Wednesday. In reality, it was less of a bubble pop and more of a feeling like I got punched in the stomach. This morning, the second dream of mine has been put into limbo. Neither is certain, but one is definitely less certain than the other. I've wanted both of these for so long, and to get so close just to have it pulled away has really done a number on me.
I'm not good with my emotions. For the longest time I had them safely walled away and was able to only see things in the most clinical way, but over the last couple of years my wall has been slowly chipped away and I've been feeling things, not just burying them deep down. But the intensity of suck I'm feeling right now really takes my breath away. I was crying the other night, and while I was crying I was going "What the hell? Why are you crying so hard? Is this really this big of a deal?" It's like I'm at war with myself. Brain v Heart and no matter the outcome my physical body is the one that suffers.
I don't even know if I'm overreacting or not. Like, am I really this affected by these things or am I just so new to experiencing emotions it's hitting me harder than it would normally?
I have a nervous stomach, and whenever I start to feel any emotion too strongly my stomach starts rocking and I usually end up sick. Like when I wrote my article that got posted on TC, I couldn't eat for a week after it posted my stomach was tied in such knots.
The worst part of how I'm feeling is that there's no answer. I thought I was getting the Yeses of my dreams, and instead I find out that I'm not nearly as close to the final answers as I originally thought. I thought I was getting out of life limbo, and apparently my sentence has been extended.
All this ^^^^^ internal bullshiet I've been dealing with has lead to me being a pretty nasty person yesterday. I actually verbally lashed out at someone just because I'm hurting and I didn't want to be alone in my hurt. What kind of shit person does that?
So now, I'm sad and hurt and a little angry, which led me to being an ass to people I actually am quite fond of, which now adds guilt to the mix.
This being human thing is hard. Can I go back to being a robot please?
Friday, August 1, 2014
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