Home is Where Again???

Depending on which cliche you subscribe to, home is either Where you hang your hat, lay your head, where your bed is, where your heart is, or someplace you can never go back to. (Did I miss any?)

"borrowed" from www.dreamstime.com

 

 

 

Home for me just changed. Back in August my husband and I made a decision that we both agreed would be best for our family, but it took a bit longer to turn into fruition so we are now week 2 into something we have been discussing doing for the last 4 months. Funny thing is, when you talk about something for so long it's very easy to paint a specific picture of how it will look and of course we go to the finished product. Reality is more... complex than that. Change, no matter how good of a thing it is, is messy and hard and stressful. Tensions get on edge and then you end up snapping.

We both know we are making the right decision, but that doesn't change the fact that everything that has been one thing for almost the last decade of our lives is now a completely different thing. I've mentioned this in the past, I am a creature that thrives on the repetitive things in life and as of the 17th of this month nothing is the same anymore.

In this short time already I have learned things about myself, like how somewhere along the way I accidentally  because a person afraid to make any sort of ::slightly:: major decision without someone else's input. "Should the desk go there or there? Ok. that's what I thought but I didn't want to be wrong." I lost my confidence and self assurance and those need to be the first things to come back. I have a long road ahead of me, and at least now I have a starting point.

I am: Terrified. Excited. Anxious. Hopeful. Optimistic. Worried. At Peace. And a million other things right now. But the one thing I am most of all? I am at home in my own self. I see lots of internal redecorating in my future, but at least I know that for me at least, Home is where my hope is.

I like my skin, just not my options for decorating it..

So I'm on one of my world famous "I don't know how to take a vacations unless I'm more than 50 miles away from my office" and I'm really enjoying my time with my son. Yes, toddlers and offices are not the ::best:: mix around (especially since I'm really good at being single-minded), but my toddler and office are both pretty amazeballs so it works.

Anywho. I've been using some of my free time to see friends I usually don't get to see that often because of how scheduled down to the minute my life is, which is pretty awesome. BUT. (Of course there's a but, that's why I'm writing this at all..)

I know who I am as a person. I'm a weird, goofy, nerdball that likes to geek out to things that make me smile even if no one else around knows what I'm talking about. I know who I am as a business woman. I'm determined, friendly, organized and polite. In clearly defined situations I know exactly what is expected of me. In business meetings I dress like an adult and put in the extra effort to look put together. In casual social situations I can toss on my jeans and a tee and be good to go. But what happens when the lines get blurry?
 When a friend and colleague recently had a birthday party I freaked out to pretty epic proportions about the dress code. I can do casual. I can do professional, but in those in betweens I'm either over or under dressed and I end up fidgeting the entire time. That party I ended up spending the evening wondering if I had too much boobage showing since I was in a social situation where people know me professionally. Yesterday I spent the morning with a friend I have known since elementary school, and we hung out the mall, BUT since I am so used to either living in my yoga pants on Sundays or having to be actually dressed to see someone I was at a loss for what to wear.

I have NEVER known how to put clothes on. (Not literally. Usually) I have always been a jeans and tee gal and when I entered the work force I HATED my uniforms that were required of me, but now I kinda need them. Luckily since I'm the boss I got to create a uniform that allows jeans and tees (just monogrammed with the company logo), but when it comes to the outside world if my jeans aren't ok I'm at a loss. (And as yesterday showed me, sometimes even when they are)

I guess I should have some super encouraging saying here about not caring what people think or something, but that's a lie. We all care, at least a little. It's like cleaning your house before someone comes over. We want people to like us and we're afraid if we leave our pile of mail out or forget to load the dishes out of the sink that somehow that makes us less likable. Only in my case, I feel like I'm wearing my pile of mail when I leave my house.

Ah well. No one said self discovery was fun, but I can't change the things I don't like if I keep pretending they don't exist..

Until next time!

When all you're looking for is one big win.....

So, I've been all sorts of in a funk for conservatively guessing, 2 months. Summer was hectic, people were yelling (at me, a lot) and I started to doubt myself. Asking myself questions about my goals and dreams and generally wondering if I wasn't a huge idiot for thinking I was special enough to be going after such lofty goals. I wasn't ready to throw in the towel, but I constantly felt like I was just slamming my head into a cement wall all day everyday with no results. Bad analogy, since is there ever a point of slamming your head into a cement wall? But whatev. My point remains. Frustrated, angry, grumpy, and EXTRA snarky was my MO. (Scary I know, since my natural snark level is pretty high)

Anywho. Earlier this week the washer at work "broke". I'm going to say the solution was one part hole in the wall that needed patching, one part too much laundry soap in the machine. ;) Yesterday the machine was supposed to be fixed at 7 am so I didn't take home laundry, just to be told first that it would be fixed by 1pm, then this morning. If you don't know what I do for a living, I'm a Massage Therapist. Which means laundry is the second or third most important part of my job. Before I even had a chance to think about how that effected my day, one of my LMTs asked if I would like it if she took home some laundry and dropped it off on her way to her other job.

BOOM! Just like a 2x4 it hit me. (Sorry, I'm really off my game in metaphors tonight). Here I am stressing out, begging for a win, and I already had it. Yes. It's been a slow couple of months, and yes I am behind in work bills. BUT EVERY SINGLE DAY I have three amazing, dedicated people show up for work because they don't think I'm a spaz. Ok. So they probably do, but they believe in me, and what I'm working for and that is the biggest win I could ever ask for. I am so lucky to have such amazing people in my life, and my new fear is not being able to adequately express my appreciation for their existence.

Same day I got an email from Erica with Redhead Writing with a blog from a guest writer. It all spoke to me, but this one sentence really slammed the win into my brain:

"Maybe you’re struggling, too....

• But why is your self-worth tied to money?"

When did  I become so freaking dollar obsessed?!?!?! I HATE people like that, and in the last few months I became just that.
Now this doesn't mean that I don't have to "Stop the Bleeding" as someone recently said to me, but I'm getting that done and come October 1st (or 2nd or 3rd...) I'm rolling out a new menu of services as well as some important policies that need to implemented.

Am I out of the hole? Not nearly, but I'm out of the mental hole that I was burying myself in, and that is pretty important if I do say so myself.

Next step? Cleaning up my personal life. And no, don't expect a blog post about that part of my life. Vultures. ;)

Ch-ch-ch-Changes....

I moved into my current abode right before my son turned one. He turned three back in May, and this has been the longest I've ever stayed in one place since I left my mom's right before my 18th birthday. I've loved it here, hated it here and everything in between.

In approximately 6 or so weeks I'm moving again. Just down the street, closer to work if I get my way, and I am SO excited/terrified. This move represents the start of a whole new chapter of my life, and I am a creature of habit. No matter how right of a call this is, I have to let go of every current habit I have and form new ones. (Maybe even learn how to be a little less set in my ways, and more flexible..)

I knew this year would bring me places I couldn't even imagine, and I don't think anyone could have guessed the swervy path its taken.

The worst part of moving? Packing. The best? Unpacking. :) (At least for me)

So this is short n sweet, if you prefer my longer posts blame my exhausting week, and if you like this shortness thank the same.

Until next time!

I'm Not Dead!!!!!

So, I'm a busy gal, and I have a post hanging out in my drafts that I started while on vacation (that happened middle of July); then worked on some more 2 weeks afterwards and then fell asleep while writing it. I think the universe was telling me not to post it so I'm keeping it a draft. It's SUPER witty though, and I totally give one of my sisters and one of my besties crap for both living so close to the beach and never going. Part of its problem I think is there's too much back story needed for it to make sense so if you don't know me very well it would make your head spin.

Anywho. Hello again, dear anonymous eyes. Summertime is almost over, but since I live in Az its still hot as ever and its still "summer" until Halloween. Summer has been crazy busy at work and I'm looking forward to things slowing down a bit so I can catch my breath. I had some goals I set for my business at the beginning of the year and because of some hiccups I'm starting to wonder how far I get to go before 2012 shuts down. I'm super lucky to be working with the people I'm working with and we're digging in trying to undo the impossible. I do my damndest to make sure they know how much I appreciate them, but sometimes I think when I'm hard on myself it feels like I'm being hard on them.

OH! Potty training is amazeballs. I was a pet owner for YEARS, but being a parent means that the older the kiddo gets the less poop you have to touch. Don't get all squeemy on me, cat person, dog person, any pet other than fish, you're touching poop. Score like 50 points for parenting versus petarenting. (Yes. I made up a word. Deal with it.)

Well, I guess since I'm NOT sharing my analogy on dealing with life using the different ways to body surf as examples I'm just going to close this out and maybe read or get my Who on, but I will at least try to sleep.. Until next time!

Tough Skinned.

So according to my stats page I was due for this about 2 days ago, since that's when eyes starting popping back to see if there's anything new. Don't worry, unless you actually click the "follow" button your eyes stay anonymous and all I get is a visitor counter, and even then, until someone clicks on it I won't know for sure what happens, for all I know you stay anonymous.. ;)

I'm not quite sure where this one is going, I've had a few different thoughts the last handful of days but my brain frequently empties itself for new information so who knows what's going to happen here.

I follow a famous blogger who at least in the public eye is completely hardcore awesome. All sorts of honest and strong and tough. She's kinda become my current hero, as she just seems to be sharing things I need to hear, right when I need it. Kinda like a really accurate horoscope minus all the woo-woo shiet. She introduced me to a singer named Robin Thicke, apparently he's been around a while, but was recently re-branded. He's all soulful (and delish) so I've been listening to a lot of that bluesy, soul bearing music recently. It's awesome except when I get all goopy over nothing so I think I need to get back to my normal genres.. Once of course Pandora plays the song I requested (Day 4, still no luck).

So, I know a gal, younger than me and cute as a freaking button. Small framed, soft voiced and very... dainty looking. I'm afraid of broaching certain subjects around her because I don't want to offend her sensibilities, and I am NOT the only one. She has master the "needs protection" look and I'm pretty sure she doesn't even realize it. From what I know, she has a nice bubble of protection from her family and loved ones.

Looking at me, no one has ever had the "needs protection" feels, and I've never given reason for that. I have 6 siblings on one side of my family and I'm the oldest so they used to dogpile on me. I'm a bit stubborn so I would end up winning. In High School, a group of girls and myself "Powder Puff" fought and again, I won. (PP fighting was an all out free for all where we weren't allow to leave marks, especially not on places that clothes wouldn't cover, it was all in fun and just as an outlet). Most recently, I performed a removal of a wisdom tooth. On myself. So my mental fortitude is on the strong side of things yeah? No one has ever had the urge to come to my rescue, or if they did they fought it, because honestly even if I needed it, I would have had a hard time taking it.

For as much as I talk, I'm not a big sharer, growing up my mom had this need to tell every single new friend every single crap thing that happened to us to garner their respect and pity for her strength and struggles respectably. All my dirty little secrets just tossed out to complete strangers. My entire life I have been the subject of SO MUCH gossip I can't stand it. I don't want your pity and I don't want to be looked at as some broken thing. If you know things that means I trust you to keep it to yourself and not change your opinion of me.

Contradictory right? I'm totally jealous of a gal who gets to keep her softness when I'm the one who killed it in myself.

Thing is, I don't NEED to be protected and put in a bubble, but that doesn't mean it wouldn't be nice for someone to succeed in putting me in one anyways, ya know? Heck, I probably would try to pop the darn thing, but that's just how I roll.. ;)

You know what really grinds my gears????

I realize I'm not due for another one of these for a couple of weeks, but I was made aware of a situation that got my little brain bubbling with anger. I've decided to not tell you flat out before my little example story, but those of you that are clever might get it early on anyways...

I am, DEATHLY allergic to all nuts and all seafood products. We've experimented with Worcester Sauce (accidentally) and determined that it's quantities of anchovies are so low that it makes me queesy without me knocking on death's door. (Obvs I'm not going to start drinking it like water, but it's good to know).

Once I was walking in the mall with my mom and some Fabio wanna-be accosted me with his "all natural" lotion rubbing it on my hand without my permission. Since almond oil is in fact natural he was right, but I seriously enjoyed showing him my immediately swelled up hand and informing him that you don't just slap random products on random people.

Another time I went for a massage and specifically asked for their hypo-allergenic lotion since the lotion they used had (you guessed it!!) almond oil in it. My therapist knew better than me and ignored my request and by the end of the massage I was a giant hive. Driving home was one of the scariest moments I have ever had since I had never before been exposed to my allergen at such a high dose, and from the outside instead of being digested. My brain was all cloudy and I remember getting home and drinking an entire bottle of Benadryl, passing out and sleeping the next 24 hours of my life away.

And to illustrate an example of my seafood allergy, I once had a sleepover at a friends where they made eggs and fish for breakfast. I didn't know that was a thing and ended up eating one of the most delicious plates of death EVER. Apparently I missed it when she announced what she was making so I had to deal with the consequences of devouring a plate of death. (Swelling tongue, loss of oxygen, throat closing up... all sorts of fun stuff) (I don't know what I'd do without Benadryl, seriously.)

So, seriously allergic, bad things happen when I interact with either of them. Guess what my son's favorite food is. Peanut butter. Same with the hubs. Whenever I want to get a small treat I get them some peanut butter candy to share. Sure I can't be around for a while, but it gives them joy and who am I to deprive them of their joy because I can't share in it? That would make me a shietty person.

Same thing when I go to a restaurant, I don't hassle people at other tables because they ordered food I can't touch. Hell, I'm even responsible for picking menu options for people on a regular basis and the crowd favorite is the Salmon. I just make sure there's a non-deadly option for me each week.


So I lied. I decided in the middle of typing this that you don't get to know what particular instance of closed minded bigotry made me angry. There's too many of them out there, and I would hate to pinhole this and it miss it's aim.

Bottom line: If I can be perfectly fine being in situations surrounded by things that could quite literally KILL ME, you can put on your big girl (or boy) pants and deal with situations that you don't like, but have absolutely ZERO effect on your life other than making you squirm.

Grow up. Intolerance is SO last season.. ;)