Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Excuse me while my brain explodes....

So very recently (as in since the last time i slept) I had two pretty huge epiphanies that I am still in the process of absorbing and putting into practice in my life. Originally I meant to grab my computer from work tonight and just spend tonight putting my brain through the ringer, but I forgot so I'm going to talk about something else that's been clanging around my brain a bit longer than 12 hours.

There are two things I know for certain about myself: I like rules, and dislike absolutes.

I like rules. I have a very specific set of rules that I live by, and no they weren't made by any religious entity. I made them for myself to keep me in line. A few times I have deviated from my rules, and even when the rules ended up being right, the experiences were worth it. Very rarely have I ever put myself on the line, but it's always been worth it. 

Recently I was talking to a friend who wanted to play a game where we asked questions and we could only answer truthfully. Since I agreed to play I took that to mean only truths could come from me for every part of the interaction. Those were the rules I was playing by. There were some questions that if the stipulation wasn't in play I wouldn't have answered. Not because they were bad, but because they are truths I don't normally share with people I'm not close to, and even then, it's not topics brought up frequently. You ask me to play a game and I don't know how? Explain the rules to me and I will play that way forevermore (until taught differently of course)

I like to think I make a good boss because I was taught how to do the job and that's how I do it. Show me a better way, and I'll blend it together into efficiency and comfort. 
I very rarely say things like "always", "forever", "never"; instead I live a life filled with "maybe", "probably", "sorta", "usually", "I think". To me, saying something is an absolute is me making a promise, and promises should be kept no matter what. 
I try to be honest. As honest as I can manage to be. I try to not give guarantees of anything, even as small as saying what time I'll be somewhere because who knows what will happen?? 

But here's the thing. I am in the middle of breaking the biggest promise I ever made. If I'm capable of going back on a promise of such enormity, what else will I go back on? How can anyone ever trust another word that ever comes out of my mouth? Aren't I automatically a huge liar? Does it even matter? 

I think I'm generally a good person, I'd like to to think that the things I'm drawn to do make me decent. But I also believe that you can't judge someone by the number of good/bad or the best/worst thing they've very done. But I also think you're only as good as your word. 

So where does that put me?

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