My son is currently on a two week vacation with his father, visiting some family clear on the other side of the country. I'm glad that they have this time, and even though it's been borderline tough for me, it's also been really good. I wrote an article about things parents are sick of hearing about while he was gone, and it sparked an important conversation with my son's father. (You can read the article here if you want) My ex feels that I don't write about him, and that through his eyes, it looks like I try to act like he isn't involved.
That has NEVER been my intent, and just in case that is what it looks like to more than him, let me explain. My writing is about my life experiences, and how I interpret them. When our relationship was falling apart, I was writing about it, but not publicly, out of respect for him. When I first started writing again, he asked me not to write about him because it made him uncomfortable. For the majority of things, I have honored his wishes, and when I do write about our relationship, I focus on where I failed. Same when I talk about it with other people. Knowing where I failed is arguably more important than knowing where he failed, because if I ever am to grow as a person I have to look at myself under the microscope before placing anyone else there.
TL;DR: He's involved, we both love our son very much, but out of respect for his privacy, I don't talk about him a lot.
If someone was to say negative things about me, the least believable would be to call me selfish. One of my biggest faults is my need to justify my actions for almost anything. I attempt to please as many people as possible, while still maintaining my own sense of self. I'm kinda a walking contradiction here, because so many pieces of who I am at the core of my being makes others uncomfortable, but other than my core beliefs that are non-negotiable, I will totally go out of my way to make sure everyone else's needs are properly addressed before even acknowledging my own.
I've gotten to a point in my growth where I can say out loud: "I need/want ::insert need/want here::" which is pretty great, but I don't know how to go about going after said needs/wants. Usually, when I decide to do something I usually have a list of reasons why I am doing it, justifying that it is ok for me to be going after it. This is not the case right now.
At this very moment, I am sitting at an undisclosed location, where only 4 people know where I am. I decided to call this experience a Secret Spy Mission, because I don't want anyone to know where I am, because I may or may not be in a closer proximity than usual to certain things, and I would then feel obligated to interact. This weekend is not for obligations. I am having a selfish weekend. I am where I am for the weekend, and the only reason I am here is because I want to be. I closed up shop completely, gave my staff the weekend off and went ::poof::. I can't tell you the last time I did something just because I wanted to, and it feels good. Everything I have done/will do between yesterday and Sunday is because of the simple desire of me wanting to do it.
I'm not going to start being totally self-indulgent, and self centered in all that I do, because my genetic makeup will not allow me to do that, but I think it has to be ok to treat yourself to things with no other reason other than the desire to do so. Maybe not all the time, but it probably shouldn't be a once in a while thing either. Balance should exist.
So, now that I have this no longer rattling in my brain, I'm going to go enjoy some nicotine, and decide between working on my next article, watching S3 of VGHS, or something else entirely..... Until next time!
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