Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Unconditional Love is a Beyotch

Unconditional love is the kind of love that you have for someone that means no matter what they say or do to you or anyone else in the world you will still love them. No matter what. It's the best kind of love in the world to be on the receiving end of, but can be a total bummer to be on the giving end of.

The love I have for my son is most definitely the strongest example of unconditional love I have ever felt in my life. And it's awesome. His existence seriously makes my world a better place (and me a better person in this world). Right now he is 4 years old, and upset. He's angry and hurt and confused, and he doesn't know how to process how he feels. So, he plays at school, and at grandma's at with his sitter and her extra people that come along. He gives everyone HUGE hugs and kisses and he is a very happy boy. Then he remembers that he is upset, and he pushes it down and waits until he is around his Mommie. He knows how much I love him, so he yells and cries and kicks pillows and hides under his bed and refuses to listen to me. So I will tell him I love him and that it will be ok. He throws all his ugly at me because he needs to get it out from inside of him, and so I can cuddle him and kiss him and reassure him that it will be ok.

That's my job, and I will do this until my last breath, and I am forever grateful that at such a young age he knows that he is loved. That doesn't mean that having someone's worst thrown at you doesn't take it's toll. It is taking it's toll on me. It is getting harder for me to stay calm, and my ability to stay calm is usually my strongest trait. I'm afraid that I'm going to snap and say something I don't mean or do something unforgivable. Not necessarily to my son mind you, just to someone I come across, and they probably won't deserve it. I don't want to snap.

It's taking more coffee and nicotine than it used to for me to make it through the day, and when I finally get to my quiet part of the day the world is sleeping so it is sometimes too quiet for me to get distracted.

I feel like I'm a water pitcher constantly pouring out, but the water delivery truck only comes once a month and I am having to stretch out the water to make sure I don't run out. But the stretching comes at a cost. I'm lucky to have such awesome people in my life, and I don't want it to sound like I am not appreciative of their existence, but something is definitely missing in my life, and what's missing is something to refill my pitcher more often.

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