Sunday, July 12, 2015

I'm scared.

Petrified even. 

My entire life I've always been able to make the ends meet, survive until the solution became available to me, to make it through. Even when the solution would take some time to work, at least I had one and that made all the difference.

Right now? I have no solutions. In about another month or so my business will pick up and we'll begin our busy season to carry us through the holidays and the new year. But that's then. Right now, the reality of my situation is that I don't have my rent paid where I live. I thought I would be able to pull it together by the end of the weekend, but I was wrong. I found out that my roommate lost his job earlier this month. Even if I asked my ex for some help I still would fall short. 

The only reason I have groceries is because he decided to buy me some basics a week or so ago and my friend gave me all the leftovers from out camping next trip.

I have applied for the SNAP assistance program, as well as their emergency cash assistance program, but it takes a while to get approved.

I'm still working 6 days a week, and I'm busy enough to not be able to find a second daytime job, but slow enough to not make my ends meet. I'm putting the word out that I'm willing to use my cleaning skills and clean houses in the off hours in my life, and if I could find 4 houses to clean regularly it could change my life.

I'm cataloging my collectibles and getting ready to put them up on eBay. Those were supposed to go towards my son's college, but if we don't have a place to stay today, we can't worry about tomorrow.

I want to be petty and blame this ALL on my ex, since he pulled my child support about 8 weeks ago, because I'm sure that it's playing a huge part in things. But summers are always tough, and I haven't yet figured out a way to make a budget that awards me wiggle room for when things get tight, mainly because I've always made just enough to scrape by. Yes him pulling the child support was crappy, but he's doing what he and his lawyers think are best. Did I mention I now need to find a lawyer since he hired some for our divorce so it can finally be finished? Another awesome thing I can't afford. 

I'm not pulling enough in by a long shot and I'm scared. If I lose my home I have no clue where I'll go. My mom has a full house, and one of the people there isn't talking to me, and hasn't for almost a year now. My dad is a almost non-existent entity that forgets I exist more often than not. 

I have great friends, but we're all suffering pretty bad right now, and there's no way I could add to any of their stresses, that would be shitty and selfish. 

I'm so lost right now, and I have no idea how I'm going to make it through the summer. 

Luckily my son doesn't notice any of this, although I felt like a super shithead having to explain why I couldn't afford even a $5 Lego set for him anytime in the foreseeable future. 

I am working and pushing so hard, but I feel like Sisyphus pushing the rock uphill- every time I near the top it tumbles back down to the bottom. I am tired. Emotionally and physically. The good in my life is REALLY good, and I don't want to discredit that happenings at all, it just doesn't mean that the bad isn't still happening.

A Little Blasphemy as a Literal (and Figurative) Sign of Progress

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