Excuse me while my brain explodes....

So very recently (as in since the last time i slept) I had two pretty huge epiphanies that I am still in the process of absorbing and putting into practice in my life. Originally I meant to grab my computer from work tonight and just spend tonight putting my brain through the ringer, but I forgot so I'm going to talk about something else that's been clanging around my brain a bit longer than 12 hours.

There are two things I know for certain about myself: I like rules, and dislike absolutes.

I like rules. I have a very specific set of rules that I live by, and no they weren't made by any religious entity. I made them for myself to keep me in line. A few times I have deviated from my rules, and even when the rules ended up being right, the experiences were worth it. Very rarely have I ever put myself on the line, but it's always been worth it. 

Recently I was talking to a friend who wanted to play a game where we asked questions and we could only answer truthfully. Since I agreed to play I took that to mean only truths could come from me for every part of the interaction. Those were the rules I was playing by. There were some questions that if the stipulation wasn't in play I wouldn't have answered. Not because they were bad, but because they are truths I don't normally share with people I'm not close to, and even then, it's not topics brought up frequently. You ask me to play a game and I don't know how? Explain the rules to me and I will play that way forevermore (until taught differently of course)

I like to think I make a good boss because I was taught how to do the job and that's how I do it. Show me a better way, and I'll blend it together into efficiency and comfort. 

I very rarely say things like "always", "forever", "never"; instead I live a life filled with "maybe", "probably", "sorta", "usually", "I think". To me, saying something is an absolute is me making a promise, and promises should be kept no matter what. 

I try to be honest. As honest as I can manage to be. I try to not give guarantees of anything, even as small as saying what time I'll be somewhere because who knows what will happen?? 

But here's the thing. I am in the middle of breaking the biggest promise I ever made. If I'm capable of going back on a promise of such enormity, what else will I go back on? How can anyone ever trust another word that ever comes out of my mouth? Aren't I automatically a huge liar? Does it even matter? 

I think I'm generally a good person, I'd like to to think that the things I'm drawn to do make me decent. But I also believe that you can't judge someone by the number of good/bad or the best/worst thing they've very done. But I also think you're only as good as your word. 

So where does that put me?

Just roll with this one... (See also ::Insert Clever Title Here::)

Ever have something to say, and you know what the meat of what you're trying to say is, but you don't know how to start? I have a few of those situations going on in my life and I kinda feel stuck in life limbo because of it... Same with this post, I know what I want to try to say, but I'm not sure how to get there, so consider this a disclaimer while I ramble and try to get there...

I think I'm a brunette. Well, ok. I am a brunette, but my natural color isn't a pretty brown. No Chestnut or Chocolate Brown for me. No. If we were to name my natural hair color, it would be called Dirty Diaper Brown. I have never liked my hair color, so when I was in 5th grade I started using Sun In Bleaching Spray after every shower. (My mom was against me dying my hair since I was so young and that was our compromise). By junior high I was changing my hair and nail polish color on the regular, and if asked people would assume me a natural blonde. (And that I was dumb as bricks. I didn't correct either) By the end of high school my hair had hit every color in the color spectrum, natural and unnatural and I had settled on a very nice Blue Black for my "Big Girl Management Job". And that was it for a while. Eventually I chopped off my at the time styled Betty Page do to a 90's boy actor style, let it grow out a couple of times and ditched the dye for ::maybe:: 3 years. I had a friend who needed a guinea pig before adding funky colors to her line at work so I volunteered. That was almost 3.5 years ago and since that moment my hair has been Blue, Pink, Purple, Red and multiple variations of each color, as well as the base color once again going around the color wheel.

Ask my mom and she'll tell you she LOVED my natural color. She'll also lament on how she wishes I would make the decision to go back to my natural color (with or without the streaks).

But I won't. Not out of defiance or a lack of respect, but because I don't like it. One of my friends is getting married next year and out of respect for her big day my hair will be drastically toned down so I blend into the crowd. I recently experimented with a look and killed the streaks in my bangs and only left the ones in the middle. So many people told me I looked pretty and more mature, I even got a random sexy out of it, but the very next time I got in the chair I put them back. I changed how they're placed, but my bangs are pink again. When I looked in the mirror, I didn't like what I saw. It didn't matter that the world around me liked me better without, I didn't.

I'm also not a fan of dudes changing their facial hair to keep their ladies happy. It seems very much a "I like you, but I'd like you more if....." and that's not right. If you don;t like the person staring back at you in the mirror, even if it is over something "superficial" like your body hair, do something. But don't make the changes to please the people around you.

Now, extremists. If you have diabetes or some health altering condition and someone is begging for a change, ::maybe:: consider making those changes, but in all other circumstances, if no one is being hurt, and you like yourself, that should be enough.