Home is Where Again???

Depending on which cliche you subscribe to, home is either Where you hang your hat, lay your head, where your bed is, where your heart is, or someplace you can never go back to. (Did I miss any?)

"borrowed" from www.dreamstime.com

 

 

 

Home for me just changed. Back in August my husband and I made a decision that we both agreed would be best for our family, but it took a bit longer to turn into fruition so we are now week 2 into something we have been discussing doing for the last 4 months. Funny thing is, when you talk about something for so long it's very easy to paint a specific picture of how it will look and of course we go to the finished product. Reality is more... complex than that. Change, no matter how good of a thing it is, is messy and hard and stressful. Tensions get on edge and then you end up snapping.

We both know we are making the right decision, but that doesn't change the fact that everything that has been one thing for almost the last decade of our lives is now a completely different thing. I've mentioned this in the past, I am a creature that thrives on the repetitive things in life and as of the 17th of this month nothing is the same anymore.

In this short time already I have learned things about myself, like how somewhere along the way I accidentally  because a person afraid to make any sort of ::slightly:: major decision without someone else's input. "Should the desk go there or there? Ok. that's what I thought but I didn't want to be wrong." I lost my confidence and self assurance and those need to be the first things to come back. I have a long road ahead of me, and at least now I have a starting point.

I am: Terrified. Excited. Anxious. Hopeful. Optimistic. Worried. At Peace. And a million other things right now. But the one thing I am most of all? I am at home in my own self. I see lots of internal redecorating in my future, but at least I know that for me at least, Home is where my hope is.

I like my skin, just not my options for decorating it..

So I'm on one of my world famous "I don't know how to take a vacations unless I'm more than 50 miles away from my office" and I'm really enjoying my time with my son. Yes, toddlers and offices are not the ::best:: mix around (especially since I'm really good at being single-minded), but my toddler and office are both pretty amazeballs so it works.

Anywho. I've been using some of my free time to see friends I usually don't get to see that often because of how scheduled down to the minute my life is, which is pretty awesome. BUT. (Of course there's a but, that's why I'm writing this at all..)

I know who I am as a person. I'm a weird, goofy, nerdball that likes to geek out to things that make me smile even if no one else around knows what I'm talking about. I know who I am as a business woman. I'm determined, friendly, organized and polite. In clearly defined situations I know exactly what is expected of me. In business meetings I dress like an adult and put in the extra effort to look put together. In casual social situations I can toss on my jeans and a tee and be good to go. But what happens when the lines get blurry?
 When a friend and colleague recently had a birthday party I freaked out to pretty epic proportions about the dress code. I can do casual. I can do professional, but in those in betweens I'm either over or under dressed and I end up fidgeting the entire time. That party I ended up spending the evening wondering if I had too much boobage showing since I was in a social situation where people know me professionally. Yesterday I spent the morning with a friend I have known since elementary school, and we hung out the mall, BUT since I am so used to either living in my yoga pants on Sundays or having to be actually dressed to see someone I was at a loss for what to wear.

I have NEVER known how to put clothes on. (Not literally. Usually) I have always been a jeans and tee gal and when I entered the work force I HATED my uniforms that were required of me, but now I kinda need them. Luckily since I'm the boss I got to create a uniform that allows jeans and tees (just monogrammed with the company logo), but when it comes to the outside world if my jeans aren't ok I'm at a loss. (And as yesterday showed me, sometimes even when they are)

I guess I should have some super encouraging saying here about not caring what people think or something, but that's a lie. We all care, at least a little. It's like cleaning your house before someone comes over. We want people to like us and we're afraid if we leave our pile of mail out or forget to load the dishes out of the sink that somehow that makes us less likable. Only in my case, I feel like I'm wearing my pile of mail when I leave my house.

Ah well. No one said self discovery was fun, but I can't change the things I don't like if I keep pretending they don't exist..

Until next time!