Dust Settling

So, I've been trying to find the time to write this for an entire month, and I have JUST now found the time (and the computer's charging cord) to sit down and type.

Back in January, towards the end of another barely making ends meet month, I made the decision to start the process of shutting down my business. And then, I started making money. Not a lot of money, but enough to actually pay my bills on time AND go grocery shopping for more than 3 days at a time! I know, my life is tiny and simple, but I love it. So, at first I took it as a sign that I made the right decision, and kept pushing towards an end that would take a year or so to get to. And that might still be what happens. BUT, I've kinda have a recent revelation that has me re-thinking a total shut down, and more of a re-direction. The girl who was working with/for me isn't coming back from her maternity leave, so instead of one empty room I have two rooms to rent. Originally I was going to rent out my entire office and sub-rent my own room back for the rest of the year to finish out my existing packages already sold, but now I think I'm going to rent out the rooms to people with complementary practices as my own, drastically cut back on the hours I work and spend more time with my loved ones.

I have been a career obsessed workaholic since before I could drive, and when I discovered my love of massage I envisioned an intense wellness center, and it used to make my entire being sparkle. But.... I got burnt out, a while ago. In trying to keep the doors open I pushed aside the type of work that brings me joy, and just did any type for any person who was willing to use a coupon. I burnt out, and was stressed out constantly. When the drama with my ex-husband happened last year, I felt like I had no where to go to feel at peace. I felt stressed at home, I felt stressed at work, and I just wanted the crazy to stop.

I don't want the wellness center anymore. I don't want to be the boss. I don't think I can work for someone else after so many years on my own, but I LOVE working with people and helping them walk better, move better, feel better. I love being able make an immediate difference in people's structure.

But also, I love my son, and I don't get to see him 5 days a week anymore, I now share him half of the week with his dad, which is great for him to build a strong relationship with his dad, but that means I have less time with him. So I've started changing my schedule so I'm off work shortly after his school day ends, and working longer on the days he's with his dad.

So that's the dust settled on the work side of things. Yes, I need renters, but I have faith that the right people will find my space and it will be lovely.

--

When my marriage failed, I thought since I couldn't make a relationship work with my best friend, that the best I could ever hope for would be a guy that was physically compatible to share a bed with once or twice a week that never evolved into anything beyond. That was the bar I set for myself, and as low of a bar as it was, for a long time I never even came close to reaching it. Gil changed that. I never thought that I would ever get to be in the type of relationship where my heart swelled with happiness and joy over silly, mundane things being said to me. I have had reverse anxiety attacks where my heart is so full that it feels like it's going to explode out of my chest. I didn't even know that was a thing!

But, I've felt splintered. When my son is at his dad's, I have a huge gaping hole in my heart and my home, and so I've spent a lot of time at Gil's house, which means the projects I have are taking longer to do since I have to do them on the weekends with a bunch of kiddos under foot. And when my son is home I usually spend my time with him and am mostly cut off from the rest of the world. I feel like I've been living two different lives, my life with Monk, and my life with Gil. Both satisfying and heart filled, but completely separate and  different. A handful of months ago we started to spend time the three of us, and they love each other. Makes my heart swell even more to watch them interact. :)

So, Gil and I decided to share a roof. Officially as of yesterday! (Even though he took all of last month to mosey his stuff over here). We asked Monk, and he literally jumped for joy.

So, Monk, Gil, and I, are now living in our tiny little duplex, and life isn't splintered anymore. Life is complete.

I feel like a brand new adventure is about to start, the book of old has shut, and a brand new is being written.

This blog is currently called "Life at the Speed of Crazy", but that is no longer true. So I'm going to revamping this with quite a few updates, name to start. I'm very bad with technology so it might take me a while to get a friend or two's help in the changes, but I'm excited.

I don't know where this new path is going to take me, but I hope you stick around for the ride, my dear anonymous eyes. 

Hello Again, My old friend....

I did it again. I once again took an unplanned sabbatical due to my brain being a jerk. And then I half wrote some stuff in my head, and because I was out of the habit of writing on the regular, laziness took hold and it took me another 3 weeks to build up the courage to turn my browser here. And I stand by some of my sabbatical, life got really hectic toward the end of the year, I had a minor melt down and blogged during it (see more below) and then I had to deal with the finalizing of the court stuff to make it official that I'm not married, and business never really picked up after the summer, my laptop was (was as in past-tense) almost a paperweight and my tablet has cracks, and, and, and, and... Well, you get the idea. My plate was WAY too full, but then I refused to re-balance once things got settled down. But I'm here again, so let's go!

If you look at my last post, you will notice it is filled with grammatical and spelling errors. You ::might:: notice that the tone of voice is a little inconsistent, and that it doesn't seem to be very well written. The day I wrote that I was wrapped up in a cloak of despair and depression. It didn't matter what I did, I just couldn't shake it off, I was able to press it down long enough to go to the laundromat with Monk and Gil, but for the most part I lay around curled in a ball just hating everything, for absolutely no reason. So I forced myself to grab my tablet and put it on it's stand and type. For a lot of it I was using one finger at a time and laying far away from it so that I could barely reach.

What was the point of that seemingly meaningless activity? I wanted to see if there was a difference in how my brain was actually working when I felt that way, and since I have plenty of work posted online I figured I could compare them. And compare them I did! I actually went back and forth with the idea of going back and editing it, but then I realized I would lose all the things about it that I was looking for if I edited it, and then it would actually be meaningless. So it stays. In it's original form.



I recently got tested for a Zinc deficiency, and came back SUPER deficient. I've been taking a zinc supplement for just about a month now, and let me tell you, it has made SUCH a difference! In our first real cold of the winter I was walking from Monk's school to the bus stop so I could go to work and it was so cold I shivered myself into a back spasm. My hands and feet are usually so cold that it hurts other people when I touch them while the rest of my body is normal temperatures. Since taking the zinc, I have noticed that I'm not getting so cold, and I can actually retain the heat around me. And my anxiety has calmed too! Apparently a zinc deficiency can trigger your body's Fight/Flight response and if you have anxiety or other similar disorders you can get stuck in a spiral. Gil plays music for a living and every so often he has gigs on nights when Monk is with his dad and I can go, which is awesome! Once my body goes and has a panic attack about being around so many people and then calms itself back down. I was able to skip the horrible panic attack the last gig I attended!! Now I'm sure there's more I need to do, but a $10/month supplement is a step in the right direction!

That's all we have time for today folks, but join me next time where I may (or may not, we'll see) talk about my current debate with myself about sharing things on the internet!!

I Don't Want to Talk About Today

Which is exactly why I need to.

For the last handful of weeks I have walking a thin line between my sanity and not sanity. From having to upend my life with next to no notice, to seeing multiple judges to fix multiple wrongs in my life to running out of toilet paper for the first time in my entire life because I don't have my own method of transportation and trips to the store are sometimes impossible to fit in. 

I have been thisclose to breaking down completely and I honestly don't know how I've made it this far, but I have. Today was filled with a lot of silent tears, the kind that burn your face when thye fall, and a lot of staring at the wall feeling a whole lot of nothing. But today was also a day filled with my son's laughter and a trip to the laundromat where poor Gil got kicked in the legs by said child who didn't like that I told him that he was staying while I popped over to the dollar store. 

I hated today. Whenever I was alone with myself I was being beat up by the meanest bully I know, my subconscious. And it was not holding back. Every single negative thought that has even popped by for a short moment showed up today and did a can-can on my brain-heart. 

It also didn't help that I completely forgot to eat until about half hour ago where that little lightbulb clicked over my head. 

The good news is that my job is so physically demanding that about every 3 months I take 3-4 days off to physically recooperate and that starts this Wednesday. Perfect timing. I am going to take my time off and completely reset myself. And turn 30, I guess. If I get reminded. Once again I am totally fine if my birthday gets skipped over and mostly ignored. I'm going to the aquarium with my son, and I asked Gil to produce a cake like thing, but that's it. 

My stomach is growling. I need to eat. So I'm done typing now. 

Finally Home....

Last month was CRAZY! Not only did I have about 32 days to find a new place to live, I had the exact same amount of days to finish compiling the mountain of paperwork requested before you can see a judge for your divorce. With the exception of a delicate stack of tax papers that I try not to move unless I have to, I was able to turn all my paperwork in and find a new place to live! (I later transported said documents to my lawyer's office and every day that they stay there my fear grows that they'll lose some them, but it's totally out of my control at this point.)

Anywho. We still have more court dates ahead of us, but we're one step closer to the finish line! And I really don't have much more to say about that, except I have never wished I wasn't self-employed so hard as when I saw all the things I had to do to prove my income. I don't wish that mountain upon anyone..

I DO want to talk about my new house though. It is perfect. I am now the proud renter of an adorable little 2 bedroom, one bath duplex. It is the perfect size for my son and I, but my favorite part is the yard. The yard is probably bigger than the entire inside of my house, and it's just dirt right now so it is a blank slate.

We love it. I want to put grass down, and while sod is quicker, seed is more in my price point. There's also the perfect little space so I can plant a little garden and I have a little wish list going on where I have beautiful bushes, vegetables and herbs planned out for the side space. Monk wants a backyard playset, and an above ground pool, which both are totally do-able space wise, I just need to budget and plan a bit before those exist. But this past weekend he was able to go outside and play in the backyard, and it touched my heart to see.

This little duplex truly feels like home to me. Yeah, there's a list of projects I need/want to do to make it THE BEST PLACE EVER, but even in it's current state, it's home.

I can't even tell you the last time I felt like this... Not the Ardmore in LA, or the house my mom bought with her husband out here. No. Too much anger and abuse happened between those walls to ever feel like home to me... Visiting the beach feels similar, but not quite. I have people in my life that trigger those home feelings in me, but I'm pretty sure this is my actual factual First Home. The comfort I feel walking inside is almost magical, and seeing my son happy in his new awesome bed and playing in the living room fills me with a special kind of joy I didn't even realize I was missing.

My neighbors have lived in their side of the duplex for 8 years and from the peeks I see walking past their open windows they have made a lovely home for themselves, and I have every intention of staying in my little home as long as possible and doing the same. :)

A Mop Bucket's Attempt at Deep Thought..

See also: I hope that I don't make a total ass of myself with this post...

Hello there anonymous eyes! How's the wife and kids? ;)

This summer has been one of the hardest summers I have ever experienced as an adult; emotionally, financially and physically. I could even stretch it farther and say that the entirety of 2015 fits that bill, but I feel like it all started to pile on around May...

I've been stretching myself in every conceivable way, questioning myself and trying my damndest to be the very best version of myself that I can be. And it's worked, mostly. I only have two or three things stressing me out on a regular basis (never mind the fact that they each are the size of Texas, irrelevant I swear!).

The interesting thing about all these challenges and struggles that I've been dealing with this summer isn't WHAT I've been dealing with (people are all assholes, myself included), but HOW I've been dealing with it.

When I was a little girl, I went to a Jewish  predominant charter school, and one day out on the baseball field we were asked "Does G-d answer everyone's prayers?"

I remember the range of answers being in the family of if you're holy enough, or you're asking for a noble thing. I answered: Well sure, but sometimes the answer is no..

I have awkward conversations about my spirituality and religion all the time, and it's never easy to answer. I celebrate Passover religiously, never Easter, I observe Christmas, but mainly it's lip service to the people around me who it matters to (i.e.: my son), but I refuse to step foot in any house of worship unless it's a wedding or a funeral. 

I believe in some sort of higher power, but NOT the Judeo-Christian one that is most popular in today's society. In fact, I'm 95% sure that the JCG is NOT accurate, especially with the first hand abuse I have seen his most avid followers dole out.

I get wishy-washy on this subject, and I hate to talk about it, mostly because it is deeply personal to talk about one's beliefs, and it's a hot topic for most people, no matter where they sit on this issue. 

Why talk about it so freely now then? Because I have been praying so hard these last few months, almost daily. Praying for answers and solutions to things that seem next to impossible, shooting out thanks for the tiny miracles I've been granted. 

 Now maybe I'm totally wrong about everything, and it's all luck of the draw, but thinking that there's some reason all this has happened and thinking that the overwhelming good in my life is because someone thinks I deserve it is satisfying. Right or wrong, even if I'm just talking to some stars that burnt out before their lights hit our atmosphere, I'm going to keep doing it, because even with as hard as these last months have been, they've also been some of the best of my life and I don't want anyone to think I'm not 100% grateful.

Brain Guts EVERYWHERE!!

So I logged in this morning, and checked my stats, still not 100% sure of what I would be writing about today, but knowing that I need to anyways when BOOM! My little blog that averages approximately 100 or so views a month had over 800 views last month. I don't know why, or how, for all I know I got hit by a bunch of bots, but man did it do something for my ego! (Honestly, it looks like one of my first articles as an adult to get published online is making the rounds through some circles again, but I still think bots have at least a little to do with it...)

Anywho, now that I've cleaned the brain matter off of my screen, time to write!

In Arizona, when you file for divorce and have children, and if you want the courts to listen to anything you have to say about said divorce, you are required to take a 4 hour class on parenting. Let me repeat the important part. 4 hour class. I recently went to it, and much like every other government mandated class I've attended, I paid some of my hard earned money to get chastised for hours on end.

 The packet we were handed at the beginning of class fascinated me and looked like I was going to be in for an actually entertaining and informative class. What I read in class while the teacher was shaming us was REALLY good stuff. What the teacher was talking about also was important, but more along the lines of what I needed to hear 2 years ago when this first started. Our teacher was a divorcee when he was 26 and now he's old enough to have his youngest be older than that, and from what I could gather he was some sort of psychologist.

What he was talking about was very important, and I could tell by the fidgeting of my classmates that a lot of them needed to hear what he was saying. The majority of the class needed the full 4 hours of examples of how not to treat the other parent of your child. There was a small handful of us though, who have been living this reality for a while. We had already learned the ropes of splitting a household, we just are starting the legalities now, and for that, I felt like there was nothing presented for us.

What I've learned the last couple of months is that when you get the courts involved people change their behaviors since they're being watched. So now, it's a whole new ballgame. In the past if something happened and we needed to switch schedules as soon as we knew it we would get it figured out, even if it was just a couple of days in advance. Now, if my ex wants to take my son out of town he makes sure he's not taking him more than half the week because that's all he's allotted. I'm afraid to offer to take my son extra days when he asks to come home, because now there's a scale attached to things.

I'm relieved to be moving towards the finish line and closing the book on the marriage, but I really don't like a lot of the changes being made. Part of why the last 2 years have worked so well is our flexibility, but now things are so rigid, it's beyond normal structure. AND we changed the structure. So not only are we having to adjust to a different time schedule than we have been using, we also have a whole new set of rules to adjust to.

I'm hoping we all adjust to this new schedule, or if it's not a good fit we have the courage to say something about it, but for the time being this is it. School is back in session, work is starting to pick back up, and the world keeps on spinning.

Until next time!

I'm scared.

Petrified even. 

My entire life I've always been able to make the ends meet, survive until the solution became available to me, to make it through. Even when the solution would take some time to work, at least I had one and that made all the difference.

Right now? I have no solutions. In about another month or so my business will pick up and we'll begin our busy season to carry us through the holidays and the new year. But that's then. Right now, the reality of my situation is that I don't have my rent paid where I live. I thought I would be able to pull it together by the end of the weekend, but I was wrong. I found out that my roommate lost his job earlier this month. Even if I asked my ex for some help I still would fall short. 

The only reason I have groceries is because he decided to buy me some basics a week or so ago and my friend gave me all the leftovers from out camping next trip.

I have applied for the SNAP assistance program, as well as their emergency cash assistance program, but it takes a while to get approved.

I'm still working 6 days a week, and I'm busy enough to not be able to find a second daytime job, but slow enough to not make my ends meet. I'm putting the word out that I'm willing to use my cleaning skills and clean houses in the off hours in my life, and if I could find 4 houses to clean regularly it could change my life.

I'm cataloging my collectibles and getting ready to put them up on eBay. Those were supposed to go towards my son's college, but if we don't have a place to stay today, we can't worry about tomorrow.

I want to be petty and blame this ALL on my ex, since he pulled my child support about 8 weeks ago, because I'm sure that it's playing a huge part in things. But summers are always tough, and I haven't yet figured out a way to make a budget that awards me wiggle room for when things get tight, mainly because I've always made just enough to scrape by. Yes him pulling the child support was crappy, but he's doing what he and his lawyers think are best. Did I mention I now need to find a lawyer since he hired some for our divorce so it can finally be finished? Another awesome thing I can't afford. 

I'm not pulling enough in by a long shot and I'm scared. If I lose my home I have no clue where I'll go. My mom has a full house, and one of the people there isn't talking to me, and hasn't for almost a year now. My dad is a almost non-existent entity that forgets I exist more often than not. 

I have great friends, but we're all suffering pretty bad right now, and there's no way I could add to any of their stresses, that would be shitty and selfish. 

I'm so lost right now, and I have no idea how I'm going to make it through the summer. 

Luckily my son doesn't notice any of this, although I felt like a super shithead having to explain why I couldn't afford even a $5 Lego set for him anytime in the foreseeable future. 

I am working and pushing so hard, but I feel like Sisyphus pushing the rock uphill- every time I near the top it tumbles back down to the bottom. I am tired. Emotionally and physically. The good in my life is REALLY good, and I don't want to discredit that happenings at all, it just doesn't mean that the bad isn't still happening.