Hello there anonymous eyes! How's the wife and kids? ;)
This summer has been one of the hardest summers I have ever experienced as an adult; emotionally, financially and physically. I could even stretch it farther and say that the entirety of 2015 fits that bill, but I feel like it all started to pile on around May...
I've been stretching myself in every conceivable way, questioning myself and trying my damndest to be the very best version of myself that I can be. And it's worked, mostly. I only have two or three things stressing me out on a regular basis (never mind the fact that they each are the size of Texas, irrelevant I swear!).
The interesting thing about all these challenges and struggles that I've been dealing with this summer isn't WHAT I've been dealing with (people are all assholes, myself included), but HOW I've been dealing with it.
When I was a little girl, I went to a Jewish predominant charter school, and one day out on the baseball field we were asked "Does G-d answer everyone's prayers?"
I remember the range of answers being in the family of if you're holy enough, or you're asking for a noble thing. I answered: Well sure, but sometimes the answer is no..
I have awkward conversations about my spirituality and religion all the time, and it's never easy to answer. I celebrate Passover religiously, never Easter, I observe Christmas, but mainly it's lip service to the people around me who it matters to (i.e.: my son), but I refuse to step foot in any house of worship unless it's a wedding or a funeral.
I believe in some sort of higher power, but NOT the Judeo-Christian one that is most popular in today's society. In fact, I'm 95% sure that the JCG is NOT accurate, especially with the first hand abuse I have seen his most avid followers dole out.
I get wishy-washy on this subject, and I hate to talk about it, mostly because it is deeply personal to talk about one's beliefs, and it's a hot topic for most people, no matter where they sit on this issue.
Why talk about it so freely now then? Because I have been praying so hard these last few months, almost daily. Praying for answers and solutions to things that seem next to impossible, shooting out thanks for the tiny miracles I've been granted.
Now maybe I'm totally wrong about everything, and it's all luck of the draw, but thinking that there's some reason all this has happened and thinking that the overwhelming good in my life is because someone thinks I deserve it is satisfying. Right or wrong, even if I'm just talking to some stars that burnt out before their lights hit our atmosphere, I'm going to keep doing it, because even with as hard as these last months have been, they've also been some of the best of my life and I don't want anyone to think I'm not 100% grateful.