Version 2.0

This is not what I planned on writing here tonight.

I was going to be angry. I was going to throw mud like you wouldn't believe. I was going to be petty and ugly, and mean, and slightly passive aggressive, but still completely truthful.

But here's the thing, I could've posted it, and gone to sleep tonight feeling vindicated and proud and brave, but when I woke up in the morning I would've felt like an asshole.

I'm still mad, and I truly feel like I am being unnecessarily attacked for childish reasons, but I don't have to live with any of the people going out of their way to make my life more difficult. I do have to live with myself though. Things are happening that are supposed to have me show my cracks, my weaknesses, all the bad things about me are supposed to be on display.

I can't do it. I have to fight real battles that actually matter, and saying mean things because they happen to be true doesn't mean it's right. And I've tried really hard to live a life with as few regrets as possible. I have enough trouble sleeping at night due to insomnia, I don't need to lose sleep over being petty.

I'm sorry, kinda, for not being that type of person, and not being able to post the original, maybe one day when I write my biography?

Conflicted Feels Yo....

I'm not sure what to write here.

I want to share like I normally do, I want to share my latest story with you, and be giddy and excited, but I also want to share about how hurt I feel about something else, and how I don't know what to trust anymore, but I still don't want to throw mud at someone else. So what do I do? I'm gonna vaguebook the hell out of this post. ;)

Very recently I started dating a guy who I've known for a long time. Besides the fact that I FINALLY made it past the first date with someone, I pretty much want to keep the details close to the vest. It's very new, and awesome, but new, so I am being selfish with the flow of information. I dig him though, so that's important to mention. Also, he knows I write, hell, he loaned me his computer for my latest article, and I'm still using it for this, but that doesn't mean I've gotten permission to talk about him to my anonymous eyes, so other than this paragraph, I'm not. ;)

Recently, in events that may or may not be related to the above paragraph, I have been reminded of all the awful things that led up to the end of my marriage. For the last handful of years I have lived my life walking on eggshells, trying not to poke the always angry at me bear. Bending so far I broke a little. Compromising my own needs to make sure my son is taken care of. Letting people talk down to and about me even in front of my son, because it's easier than fighting. For so long I've been treated like the villain, for the simple reason of me not wanting to stay married to the wrong person. Not a bad person, or an evil person, but the wrong person. And I've let people treat me like the villain, because I've felt like maybe I was, and that if so many people think that I'm so awful, they must be right.

I've been afraid to speak up for myself, and do what's right, out of fear of retaliation. I'm not scared anymore. Every single thing I was scared of happening to me has happened. Yeah, my life has gotten harder. Buuuut, well, I'm surviving. Honestly, being poor means I'm always poor, and being a little more poor than before really doesn't change much for me.

I'm not a child to be chastised. I'm a grown woman who puts my son first in 99.85% of my decisions. That is almost always. My problems are these: I am a grown woman, who owns my own business, who the hell thinks they have the right to chastise me over anything? I am not a rebellious teenager trying to upset my parents. I am grown up. I am responsible for another human's life. I am constantly doing the best I can to give my son the best I can. I don't need punishment. You know, I'm pretty sure no one can punish me. Especially over things that have nothing to do with my parenting.



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I feel like this is possibly poorly written, but I also don't know that going back and editing this will make any difference so.....

For All of a Day, I Thought I Could be a Seamstress...

Phoenix ComiCon is the end of this month, and to me, this 4 day event is akin to Christmas or Birthdays to most. I wait ALL YEAR for this and it is ALMOST HERE!!!!

So I am making my costume this year, totally from scratch, and when I got through finding my fabric, picking out my pattern, and successfully doing everything except for running it through the machine, I started getting a little cocky.

I had never sewn before a couple of weeks ago, not a tear or a hem, or even a pillow, until my son started Taekwondo and I needed to sew a patch onto his uniform, but I did it decently enough to think that I could maybe handle making a skirt (and then maybe a top).

Last year I tried to make a Steve Urkel inspired prom dress for Geek Prom, and it's not that it didn't turn out ok because it looked fine, but this definitely doesn't remind me of Urkel...

Those glasses were worth every dime.

So I get these really cool ideas in my head, and whenever I try to bring them to life, my hands and brain refuse to cooperate and I end up with not what I envisioned, and it always looks half done and sloppy. (I was able to reuse this skirt my friend made for me again last Halloween as a cowgirl and it turned out a lot better in that use than this original use)

Anywho, I was excited to see that I could make and then follow a pattern and I sat down in front of the borrowed sewing machine, totally excited that maybe, for once, I could take the picture from my brain and make it a reality. As I was measuring and cutting I had these thoughts about how maybe sewing was a secret talent I have that I just never knew about before now, and how maybe this could be my new hobby... And then the machine jammed. And my phone died.

After about 3 hours, 2 friends, and their father seriously injuring his back playing with the gaggle of children that seem to flow in and out of my life, I realized that sewing probably ISN'T my jam, and that while I will finish this damn costume, and probably make another one again for next year (and maybe December's Fan Fest if I get feisty), I will never be making my own tees or pants for everyday use. The chintzy inside of me is really sad, as well as my poor creative brain. Such is life...

Oh! I didn't even tell you what I'm making! I'm making a Ninja Turtle Prom Dress. I even dyed my hair green to match! :D

Come back next time and I might even share a picture of the finished product!!

A Race to Leave My Brain...

I have about three things weighing heavy on my mind, and I'm not sure which one is going to win, so since 9:30 in the morning is not an acceptable nap time no matter what time I went to bed/my son woke me up, I'm going to attempt a morning post while the sun is up for once.

Last Sunday one of my BFFs shared her children's museum membership with me, my son and his dad  (and her gaggle of foster kids). When you first walk in, there is this huge structure about 3 stories high for kids (and adults) to climb inside of. Normally I go with a small enough group that I can stay on purse duty while everyone else goes up, but there was too many kids this time so up I went.

I ended up with a two year old and a three year old in my care, climbing up this massive structure made of milk cartons and bamboo. About the time we reached a milk carton platform near the top, I heard a little girl start hiccup crying because she was scared and her dad was in a different chamber, I glanced at my feet, and my stomach dropped. My arms started shaking and I had to grab the side rails to force myself to keep standing. The little girl was still crying, and about the same size as the two with me so I let her go behind my girls and in front of me for the rest of the climb up, whispering loudly that it was all ok, and there was nothing to be afraid of. As soon as I was out of the tube I had myself directed to the way down by another adult and the four of us made our way down.

The entire time my heart was pounding, I felt flushed and nauseated, and I'm pretty sure I was sporting my crazy eyes. But I did it. I kept them from feeling fear and made it safely to the bottom. Yes, I know that it is a safe structure built to last. I KNOW that. But when I get too high I can't reach that rational part of my brain, I just become petrified.. I can think of at least 3 other times in my life when I've become stuck places because I was too scared to move. I hate shopping centers with more than one story because I swear they all use glass for their barriers and I can't stand close enough to see down without my stomach dropping.

I'm scared of heights. I love roller coasters, but am scared of heights. I'd like to think that I've won some huge battle by being able to have made it through while being in charge of others' well being, but I don't know that it counts for much...

How many irrational fears does one have to have before just being an irrational person? o.O

The REAL Truth About Life, The Universe, and Everything (Besides 42 Obvs)

So I disappeared for about a month. 5 weeks to be exact (according to the website that I'm supposed to be submitting weekly content to at least.) I have my reasons, none of them really matter, but they exist. The important thing is that I'm back, and before the night ends I will have submitted my content to all the places that I am supposed to. I am officially back on schedule. TADA! (I'm pretty sure only like 3 people outside of myself actually care, but whatev)

Anywho... What I've learned in my short time away from some of my responsibilities is that being a full fledged, functioning member of society means that life can, and most likely will be equal parts totally amazing and fufilling AND mind numbingly horrifying. And on the occasion, life will be both.


Like right now. I might never see my car again, I'm having  to learn how to navigate my life with a child and NO vehicle. I am bumming rides and cashing in favors I haven't even earned yet. Because I didn't wear my seatbelt for approximately 500 feet, technically right now I am a wanted criminal. Seriously. I am a green-haired girl with a sparkly pink phone, and I'm considered a dangerous criminal right now. Seriously. This part really, really, really, REALLY sucks, and I have had a considerable number of freak outs and panic attacks in regards to how exactly I will be solving this mess. (So far, there are more questions than answers, fyi)

Flip the coin. My business is doing better than it ever has before. I recently got approved for a miniature loan just the right amount to finish furnishing the new space and pay rent for myself and my office manager's homes. I hosted a Seder for 12 people that had to be GF and vegetarian friendly, and it went off without a hitch. I even had people at the table who busted out into a Hebrew song in a round since I can never get the musical part of Seder down. The biggest drama at the table was that I am horrible at pouring bubbly purple liquids. I have people in my life that just a brush of their arm or a squeeze of my hand can make even the worst days better. My son is one of the smartest kids I have ever had the honor of meeting, and being his mom brings me more joy than I ever imagined.

That's life, good and bad, at the same time. The details for all of us are different, and no one should try to compare their mess to another, that's NOT the point. The point is for us to search for the solutions we need in life and try our damndest to be as cheerful about it as you can manage. Well. Cheerful might be a bit too much sometimes, but the point is to try...

Or give up completely, but that seems like a waste of a life... ;)

Is This The Real Life, or is it Fantasy?

Sorry, but no, this is NOT a link to the three girls in the car grabbing their boobs and flashing a crotch to Bohemian Rhapsody, but I'm pretty sure this was my first ever cultural reference to something that didn't happen in the 90's, so go me! ;)

Anywho, recently I've had some pretty serious shit go down, if not to me, around me, and more often than not; Anxious Megan (and her horrible weak stomach) has kinda been running the show while Logical Megan has been out of commission with a broken leg or something. It's been great making all this emotional progress as a human and all, except for the constant stream of emotions involved. I honestly don't know how normal people deal with all these emotions all the time, and I really wish sometimes the healthy thing to do would be to just lock that shit up and bury it, but didn't I just say a sentence or two ago that I'm glad to have made these personal growth things a reality? Being in touch with your emotions is exhausting!

Well, so, crazy all around, and in my head, and I've actually started to debate rethinking my current stance on medication. I love a clear head, and it is a BITCH getting those damn things configured so that I'm not a walking fuzz ball, but if I can't get more in control of these anxiety attacks I might have to go through that hell to knock them back down to a reasonable amount. I went from not having ANY in easily 2 plus years to having more than I can count in the last 5 months. I'm giving myself more time before deciding because I feel like things are finally settling down, and I really don't want to live in a fog, but since I don't like absolutes, we shall see.


Remember as a kid when you wanted something REALLY bad, and your parents told you that if you wanted it you had to earn it by your behavior? Or even better example: Abraham. According to the bible (yes I know it, even though I am not a religious person), Abraham and God had conversations and during one of them he told Abraham to slaughter his son as a sacrifice to prove he loved God. Last effing moment an angel stops him, and he was rewarded (with something, I hope).

That's kinda how life has been feeling lately, horrible, dramatic events happen, where I have to make really hard decisions; fight back or roll over in defeat; stand up for yourself or shrink away silently in fear; give up something super important to you, or lose even more. Just like in the parable, when I steel myself to give up the important things to survive the situations, I end up having something happen that wasn't even a reality for me when trying to plot a course. It's like I'm constantly being tested on how willing I am to try to do the "right" thing and when I do, these horrible things almost instantly become these things with easy solutions and the stress I felt earlier feels dramatic and annoying so I end up feeling foolish, even though I know I had crappy starting options.

I also feel like I need to mention that I have two incredible friends who for some reason keep helping me deal with life in general. Like I have a good handful of friends that are above and beyond in caliber of people, and they all make me smile on the regular. But these two people.... I just don't understand their motives. They are seriously two of the best people I have ever met in my entire life, and this week especially, I'm not sure what I'd do if they weren't a part of my life. I have absolutely no clue what I can do to express to them how amazing they both are to me, but I welcome the challenge, and will one day figure out the right combination of words and actions to properly articulate how much of my heart they occupy.

Sorry if this is too vague or what have you, I debated whether or not I would go into actual details over any of the recent events that have unfolded, but ultimately decided that I don't want to have to put anymore effort and energy into these things than absolutely required of me. Also, even though it seems to follow me around like a homeless puppy, I really don't enjoy the drama constantly circling me so I'm trying not to feed it. I work in the service industry, the drama from dealing with people all the time is truly enough for me. ;)

Sometimes, The Demons Win....

So my last post was the night after a really intense night for me and then I went silent. Surprise surprise!! I swear I try really hard not to run away every time things get scary, but some habits are hard to break. In my defense, I half wrote posts for here in my head about 4 times, but never was able to commit it to paper (or keyboard), and only part of the reason is because my laptop at home takes an average of 10 minutes to acknowledge anything I type or click on.

Thing is, I've been fighting a spiral, and it has been winning more often than I'd like. There's been quite a few days where there's this heavy weight sitting on my shoulders and chest and brain and just making it through to the end of the day where I can be alone is as much of a battle as I could stand.

I'm lucky in the sense that I have a pretty solid group of friends that I can be honest with when I'm not doing the greatest fighting my internal battles and just sitting next to them being distracted from the extremes going on inside of me has been the greatest gift of all.

I've never really had the freedom before to talk about the demons inside of me, I've always tried to keep them hidden, and to only show my face when they're sleeping or when my mask is glued on tight, and they've always felt so...... ugly. And, I mean, they are, but for some reason, they aren't as strong as they used to be. Maybe I'm doing a bad job of feeding them or something, but it's becoming easier to fight them, and my spirals are getting easier to get out of. Sure, just last Thursday I felt like I was a walking boil on society and I made all sorts of dramatic noise trying to rationalize walking away from something that makes me happy, but that's not what I'm going to do. Last week was rough because I had a lot of things happen in a short time period that made me start questioning myself. But it wasn't rational. My demons aren't rational, and don't care about my happiness. Sometimes I have the energy to fight them off, other times they come out of left field when I'm already behind.

So yes, sometimes they win a few battles in a row, but I refuse to let them win the war for me. Hoohah? (I dunno, I feel like I should have some sort of battle cry here or something... )