Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Conflicted Feels Yo....

I'm not sure what to write here.

I want to share like I normally do, I want to share my latest story with you, and be giddy and excited, but I also want to share about how hurt I feel about something else, and how I don't know what to trust anymore, but I still don't want to throw mud at someone else. So what do I do? I'm gonna vaguebook the hell out of this post. ;)

Very recently I started dating a guy who I've known for a long time. Besides the fact that I FINALLY made it past the first date with someone, I pretty much want to keep the details close to the vest. It's very new, and awesome, but new, so I am being selfish with the flow of information. I dig him though, so that's important to mention. Also, he knows I write, hell, he loaned me his computer for my latest article, and I'm still using it for this, but that doesn't mean I've gotten permission to talk about him to my anonymous eyes, so other than this paragraph, I'm not. ;)

Recently, in events that may or may not be related to the above paragraph, I have been reminded of all the awful things that led up to the end of my marriage. For the last handful of years I have lived my life walking on eggshells, trying not to poke the always angry at me bear. Bending so far I broke a little. Compromising my own needs to make sure my son is taken care of. Letting people talk down to and about me even in front of my son, because it's easier than fighting. For so long I've been treated like the villain, for the simple reason of me not wanting to stay married to the wrong person. Not a bad person, or an evil person, but the wrong person. And I've let people treat me like the villain, because I've felt like maybe I was, and that if so many people think that I'm so awful, they must be right.

I've been afraid to speak up for myself, and do what's right, out of fear of retaliation. I'm not scared anymore. Every single thing I was scared of happening to me has happened. Yeah, my life has gotten harder. Buuuut, well, I'm surviving. Honestly, being poor means I'm always poor, and being a little more poor than before really doesn't change much for me.

I'm not a child to be chastised. I'm a grown woman who puts my son first in 99.85% of my decisions. That is almost always. My problems are these: I am a grown woman, who owns my own business, who the hell thinks they have the right to chastise me over anything? I am not a rebellious teenager trying to upset my parents. I am grown up. I am responsible for another human's life. I am constantly doing the best I can to give my son the best I can. I don't need punishment. You know, I'm pretty sure no one can punish me. Especially over things that have nothing to do with my parenting.

I feel like this is possibly poorly written, but I also don't know that going back and editing this will make any difference so.....

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