A Random Babbling Where Nothing is Gained....

Sometimes, I think I'm alive in the wrong era, but just by a smidge. Like, if you rewind too far and my personality would def have gotten me shot "straight to the moon", but shoot me anymore forward and all physical forms of communication will become digital and I might shoot myself to the moon. ;)

My phone goes off and its one of EIGHT email addresses, four different social accounts, two direct messaging apps, or regular ole text messages. (And a partridge in a pear tree?) Most of the time, its videos of "I have nothing to say, but I thought of you when I saw this" or (6) texts to get one thought out. Its overwhelming AF. It's a lovely problem to have, being cared about, at least on a superficial level, by enough people that I hate looking at my phone a good chunk of the time. There are two names that day or night, when they appear on my phone I /don't/ cringe or avoid, but one is my kid and that feels like I'm cheating counting him lol 

I crave actual human interaction, and phone calls and silly handwritten letters. I've been travelling a lot the past couple of years, and since I am actually not made of money, I've been travelling on the cheap. Squished airline seats, paper thin hotel room walls, seedy diners for meals... I love it. There's something so.. visceral and raw about these situations where we all are just so human, in our truest form, with no one from our daily lives as witnesses of who we are when no one is looking. It probably helps that I have gone to some pretty awesome places, and seen some pretty spectacular art both found in museums and in nature. 

So now, when I'm not running around the country and I'm actually living my "mundane" day to day life, I feel a very distinct lack of human connection that a million alerts on my phone cannot fix. Which is stupid and cliche, because my home is still filled to the brim with humans and all the noisy activities that come with a full home. Buuuuuut, I'm not really a three dimensional person here, I have a very distinct role to fill, and if I'm not performing the role, I have no place. And that's how I feel with all my notifications, for the most part. Even when the names that I love light up my screen, it feels like it's for only specific roles I'm to play, no room for actual humanity.

I miss phone calls, and walking around doing nothing and talking about whatever, and I hate feeling like we're all surrounded by digital walls. It seems ridiculous to admit, especially since I fought so hard to settle down and plant roots, but I feel so much more alive and.. real anywhere but here. I feel like I'm shoved into a not quite right fitting.. everything. 

Which is legit bonkers, because there are so many parts of my day to day life that is crazy awesome. The non-profits I volunteer with fill me with joy and I get to do so many cool things with both of them. My kid is crazy smart and talking about going to college out of county. My day job is a title I've been reaching for and coming short for a long time, I'm really good at what I'm doing, enjoying it and I'm almost back to my old rate pre-NDA.

All this rambling to say what exactly? That I wish was living my exact life but 40 years earlier in time? Do I regret having a home-base to come back to? Or am I back to the age old "Man I wish I didn't live in this exact place"? Or more simply, I think I wish I had more humanity in my life that I felt free to be a messy human around, not just when I'm travelling.