It took (40) years of existence for someone to give me a nickname, and in the year it happened, I received more than one! The pet names I earned and then lost from my brief attempt at leaving retirement (don’t worry, I’m back on my shelf where I belong), my son has now started calling me “Shorty” on the regular, and a handful of people have started calling me Captain due to my nonprofit work. One of my newest friends out of the blue started calling me captain without knowing other people call me that, but when I tried to explain my grinchiness vibes as hag like, I got that killer modification above from them and I don’t want to forget the odd compliment so it’s today’s title!
So, today is an interesting day. It is the second day of Unemployment Version 2025, AND the 10 year anniversary of my divorce being finalized. Which isn’t a date I normally keep track of, but I filled out a passport application back in October and I had to dig through my digital footprint to find the damn date, so it hasn’t quite filtered itself out yet.
It’s also the day after I realized an important relationship lesson I wish I would have learned a long time ago…
SO. Yesterday, I spent about (4) hours decorating for Christmas/Hanukkah. I hear your brain wheels screech in confusion, with my very loud disdain of such a commercialized spend money to show off how much you love your family holiday that endcaps my three months of fighting the brain gremlins born out of my own family disfunction. And, that’s actually part of WHY I spent so many hours doing it. These poor kiddos are about to experience their first Christmas away from the home they’ve lived in for their entire life. They have had their entire lives flipped upside down and are experiencing more growth in this half year than they have in years. Putting in the work to undo their deep seated trauma.
And, uh, apparently they love Christmas. A lot. Loudly. Passionately. Materialistically. The very core reason behind my “why” in life is that I don’t want anyone else to ever hurt the way I have been hurt. I don’t want anyone to feel the deeply buried sadness that is always present in my life. I am painfully aware that my bright smile is usually hiding /something/ and I cannot in good conscience do anything to make more people like me in the world. So, I threw up wrapping paper on the wall, dug out small tree from a couple years back, and decorated like it’s my favorite day of the year. I even put out stockings for each of the kiddos that I’m going to sew their names onto.
Yes, it is painful AF to be surrounded by people showing each other how important they are to each other while having next to no gestures being pointed my direction, but I’m an adult, I’m used to it, and I have the tools to cope with it. These children should never have to say any of those things. They should have the freedom to express and receive all the love in their life.
BUUUUT, that’s not even the lesson I learned, that’s the backstory of why I did something that makes my heart squeeze in looming disappointment I try to hide every time I walk by.
My mom was home while I was working. Sleeping. She got up a couple times to go to the restroom, but even when I was juggling and fighting the wrapping paper and I asked her to take my dogs out back she didn’t move and I had to untangle myself to get them outside on time. I finished with about an hour before I had to leave for the next part of my day, so I sat down to read a bit before I went to wash my hair.
Within minutes of me cleaning up my mess and sitting down to relax, she climbed out of bed for the day. She got some coffee and started to chit chat with me, and I could feel it grow in my chest. Resentment.
I spent my morning working on something nice for her kids while she slept, and now that the work was done she was ready to start her day. Today, I had grand plans of more work to do, but when she said she was going to go back to sleep for a bit, I retreated to my room and switched to my digital to-do list.
Back in my living with paramours days, I clearly remember having my house cleaning days scheduled for when I would be home alone, and looking back, I understand why. When I would clean or work on things with them around, I would get frustrated when they wouldn’t do anything to assist, and so it was easier to just share the relax time and do it when I was alone.
And if there was never time alone to clean? Then it would build up and then I would end up getting the brunt of the blame bc I apparently love me some emotional neanderthals who rely heavily on their mothers to take care of them long into adulthood. (I’m not being mean, my last serious beaux’s mom actually apologized to me many times about never giving him the tools to be more self sufficient bc she had needed to feel needed and important to her children and she had a front row seat watching it erode our relationship)
This sort of resentment WILL destroy any relationship, familial, romantic or otherwise, if you let it. Resentment from having someone working around you while you’re trying to relax after XYZ and feeling guilty if you don’t help but like you’re being robbed of your downtime if you stay put. Resentment about “doing all the work” and “never getting the help you need” because your work time overlaps with their relax time or you just do it when you’re alone.
Sitting where I’m sitting right now, it feels easy to say with a little communication and schedule adjustments, it would be a relatively simple solution to implement. As well as some GAF from both directions to want to make things better and work. Please note I said “simple” not “easy”.
Maybe that’s Lesson 2.0: Not everyone wants to put in the work.
And when you’re in that scenario, the name of the game is survival, with the rules being much more self protecting and less relationship preservation.
Was any of my past relationships worth preservation?
Prolly not since when I stopped trying they had stopped already/as well. (Also, um, was I worth trying for back then is a SUPER valid question I don’t really want to know the answer to)
Do I want to preserve the relationship with my mom?
Oooof. That’s a big ole “Yes, but”.
And frankly, I think those “buts” are too late in the game for me to have fulfilled. BUT, if she keeps on her current path, her new batch of kids are going to have amazing relationships with their mom. (A but to my but, the most complicated and nuanced asterixis in family dynamics)
Oh yeah, I dropped a little lore at the beginning of this post, and the details of my unemployment don’t actually matter this time around. I was miserable there, underpaid and stuck in a stupid dress code. I was waiting out a referral bonus they never paid out before accepting any new positions and they robbed me of my joy of quitting there. BUT the joy I have of never having to go back there DEFINITELY outweighs my pouting over not being able to give them the professional middle finger. ;)
Not quite sure what direction I’m heading in this time, but I’m gonna sort of float like a leaf on the wind at least through the end of the year and see where I get taken.
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