Every time I come here to write something, I check the visitor stats. And every time I question them. There’s always new views, sometimes a small handful, sometimes a ridiculous number that screams bots. But it’s never the same. Which is something. I wonder who actually comes here, is it people who stumbled across one of the many articles I’ve written over the years about a lot of nothing (and the one about a lot of everything)? Is it old friends who remember about this existing every so often? Or is it some unknown variable I can’t guess? My money is on the bots though. ;)
But that’s also what I tell myself on purpose. I write under a lazy pen name for a reason, and that reason is to ease the stress of censoring my thoughts out of consideration of the people I love. Vague nicknames and broad strokes to talk about the people who make my life the adventure it always seems to be.
And with that GIANT disclaimer, I happily write: someone close to me is pregnant, and I am over the moon about it!! We spent like 3 hours on the phone this last weekend, laughing and giggling and having her ask me questions about being pregnant. At one point, I said something along the lines of “You’ll be glad to hear all these stories when you’re 7 months pregnant, your husband falls asleep with his foot touching you, and he’s breathing too loud and the only thing keeping you from smothering him with a pillow is you knowing just how lucky you are to have him with you during this”
Because my pregnancy was terrible. Uncontrollable health issues aside, being pregnant was one of the most alone times of my life. Which seems silly, since I was married at the time, but it’s really not at all silly. Actually, I take it back, my uncontrollable health issues made my loneliness multiply into something that forever changed the shape of my heart.
BUT, it makes for a good cautionary tale.
Beware of picking the wrong person to attempt to build a life with or you’ll end up having to start from scratch and claw your way back to stable for many years after your entire life comes crashing down.
Beware of starting your own business if all you have is your student supplies, a ridiculous amount of stubbornness and an unhealthy caffeine addiction.
Beware of having people that depend on you and need you at the drop of a hat because your other relationships will suffer, and you’ll likely not find someone who understands that while number one is already taken, second or third most important is still pretty damn special.
And I’m not complaining! Please realize, I have come to understand, what’s the point of being halfway clever with your words if you can’t turn the stories you live through into lessons for other people to try to learn from. I’m not gonna lie to you either though, sometimes it’s exhausting feeling like your existence is just so others can make less mistakes.
And I really look forward to some stories of mine where no one is learning anything except the difference between my laughing out of acceptance and my laughing out of pure enjoyment.